Just a Misunderstanding

I'm sure by now you have heard about Idaho Senator Larry Craig's arrest and subsequent guilty plea to lewd behavior in an airport bathroom. According to the arresting officer, Craig entered the bathroom stall next to the undercover officer and tapped his right foot. This is supposedly a signal for sex. Then Craig allegedly put his foot under the stall wall and touched the officers foot and then reached under the stall wall repeatedly with his hand. Of course, Craig had a perfectly reasonable explanation for this, he has a "wide stance" when he goes to the bathroom.

Over the past few days the wide stance explanation has been joke fodder throughout the media. Apparently, people seem to think that this is funny. Well, it's not funny! Wide Bathroom Stance (WBS) is a serious disorder and often goes unrecognized. It is believed to be caused by a deficiency of vitamins C and D during childhood bone and muscle development. Those suffering from this condition have difficultly balancing themselves on conventional toilets and thus have to assume a wide stance to avoid falling off the seat. At home, WBS patients can have a special toilet seat installed that provides additional support, but in public WBS sufferers must make do as best as they can. An unfortunate, but all too common side effect, is sudden and uncontrollable spasms of the legs and arms. This can cause the victim to inadvertently bump individuals in adjacent stalls, an embarrassing situation for everyone involved. This can sometimes be controlled by medication, but it is not 100% effective.

So you see that Sen. Craig is really the victim here, and the police should have been more sensitive to his condition. WBS is an embarrassing condition, and it is likely that Sen. Craig initially plead guilty to avoid revealing his disease to the public. Once again, the media viciously attacked and slandered another person in a position of responsibility without checking their facts. If there is one positive outcome of Sen. Craig's unfortunate situation, it is that it will increase public awareness of WBS as a medical condition and help facilitate the search for a cure to this debilitating disease.

Thank you

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank Marie and her family for all of they hard work they have put in over the years making delicious ice cream. This past weekend I discovered a new flavor, Cinnamon Buns! This is perhaps one of most tasty pints of ice cream I have ever had.

But this isn't the only one. Over the years Marie and her family have labored long and hard to produce Vermont's finest premium ice cream. Other favorites of mine include American Pie and the perennial favorite of many, Phish food!


















Of course, Marie, being the selfish person that she is, has decided to teach children and help others rather than to continue to produce expensive, luxury ice cream. I am sure that her uncles Ben and Jerry will continue on as best they can, but it just won't be the same.

P.S. Marie, when is free cone day, again?

Tour De Atlanta

A year or two ago, Atlanta created a new branding campaign to increase tourism in Atlanta. Their slogan is, "Every day is opening day." Not quite "What happens in Vegas..." I'm not really sure why the tourists aren't pouring in. I mean Atlanta is the preeminent commercial, industrial, and shipping hub of the southeast. Who doesn't love shipping? I'm stumped myself as to why Atlanta hasn't knocked the Bahamas off the top of the tourist destinations list. So in order to encourage people to visit Atlanta, I have created a virtual tour of the city's top attractions.

1. Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport - They don't call it the ATL for nothing. Atlanta is colloquially referred to by its airport code, ATL. That's probably because the airport is all that most visitors to Atlanta ever see. As the busiest airport in the world, thousands upon thousands of air travelers have had the pleasure of sleeping on the floors of the airport's spacious concourses and baggage claim areas.
2. MARTA - Atlanta has a subway! It has two lines! No one rides it! Isn't it cute!
3. Stone Mountain - Stone mountain is a unique geologic formation. It is essentially a giant granite rock that towers 825 feet over the surrounding terrain. It is a natural wonder that is home to several unique species of plants and animals. And in the grand tradition of the South, this natural wonder was defaced by carving 90 foot tall Confederate heroes into the side. It is also the site of the 20th century revival of the KKK.
4. CDC - Atlanta is home to the Centers for Disease Control. It is very comforting knowing that mere miles from my home is a storehouse of some of the deadliest diseases the world has ever known. Fun!
5. Downtown - Downtown Atlanta is home such attractions as the Centennial Olympic Park, the World of Coke, and the CNN Center. You may remember Centennial Olympic Park from the bombing during the Olympics in 1996. Also, Atlanta is the birth place of Coca-cola. Coke used to have cocaine in it to ease headaches. Atlanta is also home the Turner empire which includes CNN. You can take a tour of the CNN Center. It sounds exciting! Maybe I'll take it someday. Interestingly, everyone in Georgia watches Fox News. Go figure.
6. Six Flags Over Georgia - Six Flags Over Georgia is home to Goliath, a totally awesome roller coaster. It is also home to frequent shootings, stabbings, and beatings. It seems that during the summer it is cheaper to buy a season pass at Six Flags than to pay for daycare. Unsupervised teenagers would never get into any trouble, would they?
7. Kennesaw Mountain - During the Civil War, Atlanta was an important military supply and transportation hub for the Confederacy. Its defense was imperative. To that end, the Confederate army fortified a steep hill just northwest of the city along the Union path of advance. They placed gun batteries and fortifications atop the hill in almost unassailable positions. The Union, when faced with this seemingly impregnable position, prudently marched around Kennesaw Mountain and continued on their way to Atlanta.
8. The Big Chicken - It's a KFC that looks like a giant chicken. The beak opens and closes, and the eyes move around. Bitch'n!
9. Celebrities - Atlanta is home to a suprisingly large number of celebrities: Elton John, Usher, Whitney Houston, Outkast, T-Boz, TI, Ted Turner,... and the list goes on. I heard that Whitney Houston lives somewhere in Alpharetta. Wanna go find her house? I hear she's really friendly!

This is just a sampling of what Atlanta has to offer. To get the full Atlanta experience, you will have to come and see it for yourself!

Kitten Assault!

Beware! I have uncovered a new and fiendish plot by Al Qaeda to terrorize our nation! It's a good thing that I am ever vigilant and have been able to uncover this sinister plot. It seems that Al Qaeda plans to bypass our defenses by using seemingly harmless kittens. But do not be fooled, these kittens have been brainwashed and extensively trained in the martial arts!

Al Qaeda plans on smuggling these kittens into the country inside pumpkins just in time for Halloween. Then, at the hight of our Halloween parties when we are drunk and unable to stop them, the kittens will burst forth from the pumpkins and unleash their vengeance.

Once free, they will shred our furniture and curtains with their sharp, retractable claws causing hundreds of dollars worth of damage. If anyone tries to stop them they are likely to get their arms clawed...and that stings! I caution you all to remain vigilant. New, but as of yet unconfirmed, intelligence indicates that some kittens may already be here, in disguise, scouting out potential targets.

You have been warned!

Robbed!

I have been robbed...metaphorically, of course. I think I deserve an award! Rob got an award, and I gave Amanda McD an award. I don't recall either one of them curing cancer. The other day I was thinking about how awesome I am and wondering why no one else has seemed to notice. Well, no one except my dog. He seems to think I'm pretty awesome, but he's a dog so he can't give out awards. What the hell does someone have to do to get some recognition? Yeah, yeah, I know you actually have to do something that benefits others. But I don't want to do something for others. That requires too much effort, and I don't get anything out of it. What I need to do is create my own award that rewards me for doing nothing but act like it is really important. You know, like the Oscars.

Thus, I name myself the first annual recipient of the Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Ice Cream Consumption. This is an extremely prestigious award, and the competition was tight. There are literally billions of ice cream consumers in the world, and many display a impressive degree of excellence in ice cream consumption. After careful consideration and an agonizingly difficult decision process, I settled on myself. So, congratulations me! Great job!