Oh Yeah!

Since all blogs invariably devolve to a discussion of current events, I feel no shame in saying that I would like to discuss the serious drought that has struck the Southeast. As you may have heard on the news, the Atlanta metropolitan area has only a month or two of water left in its reservoirs. There has been a great deal of finger pointing. Some say it is mismanagement of water resources and a failure to plan for growth. Others claim that too much water is being released from the reservoirs to protect endangered species. Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue apparently thinks that it is God's fault. But they are all wrong.

It's the Thristees! The Thirstees are the arch nemesis of Kool-Aid Man and will not be satisfied until all are parched and thirsty!


Here is a shot of Thirstees in action.

They seem to be using giant straws to suck what I can only assume to be Lake Lanier completely dry! But where is Kool-Aid Man to stop them? The answer turns out be quite insidious. Here is a shot of Kool-Aid Man from his hey-day in the 1980s.

And here is a picture of him now...

Notice the difference. Since when did Kool-Aid Man wear pants?! Let's be honest here, Kool-Aid Man is a person of considerable girth. Pants must be so confining for him. He can't possibly hope to keep up with those fast moving Thirstees! Look at him back in the halcyon days of the 1980s. He was free and unencumbered. He would aggressively smash through brick walls shouting his catch phrase "Oh Yeah!" Those Thirstees wouldn't stand a chance. Now look at Kool-Aid Man today, friendly, demure, accommodating...the kind of guy you would trust your sister with. But are those really the qualities you seek in a hero, the one you count on to stop at nothing to save the day...even if that means pointlessly smashing through a brick wall to impress children? I thought not.

It would seem, however, that the decency police had their victory. Despite the apparent lack of any visible genitalia, they have forced Kool-Aid Man to don pants, forever resigning him to mediocrity. But what happens when the Thirstees suck every last drop of moisture out of Georgia? What happens when millions of people cry out for a hero with their dry parched tongues? It seems that their cries will go unanswered because it is apparently inappropriate for a large anthropomorphic cartoon pitcher of sugary liquid to not wear pants. May God have mercy on our souls.

Inappropriate Touching

The annual Blades and Booze Halloween Party is a time-honored and hallowed event. Unfortunately, this year, the otherwise family-friendly gathering was tarnished by some inappropriate and possibly criminal behavior. The most egregious acts were committed by this, as of yet, unidentified man:


If you have any knowledge of his identity or whereabouts, please contact the B&B party authorities immediately. He is wanted for multiple counts of lewd and lascivious behavior. One victim, I'll refer to him as Rob S to protect his anonymity, has alleged that the suspect touched him inappropriately in his bathing suit area. This lead to feelings of embarrassment and shame in the victim. There were numerous other reports of unsolicited ass grabbing, ear licking, and caressing. We suspect that there were other victims as well, but they are too ashamed to come forward.

So please, if you have any information that could lead to the apprehension of this suspect, contact authorities immediately. The B&B party organizers are committed to providing a safe and enjoyable Halloween event for all of their guests, but they need your help to ensure that perverts such as the man pictured above are prevented from striking again.