Alright, everyone. Christmas is over, it's time to tally up the scores. Did you win? Here's how it works. Tally up the total market value of all of the presents you received for Christmas then subtract the total market value of all the presents you have given. If you get a positive number, then you had a net gain, and you won! Conversely, if you get a negative number, you're a loser. Don't be sad, there's always next year.
Winning at Christmas can be a challenging endeavor depending on your particular situation. If you are a loser, I have provided some tips to improve your chances of winning next year. As always, these suggestions must be adapted to the context in which you operate. Certain approaches may actually achieve the opposite effect depending upon the personalities of those in your present exchange network.
At first one might think that giving fewer or less valuable presents would be a good way to go. Rookie mistake. That might work out for a year or two, but over time people will reciprocate and your temporary gain will evaporate. Instead, try improve either your likability or try to generate sympathy/guilt.
On the likability side, here are some possible approaches:
- Be nicer to people. Don't throw things at their pets/children.
- If you talk too much, talk less. If you talk too little, talk more.
- Try to do small, thoughtful things for others throughout the year.
- Try not do drink so much.
- Get plastic surgery.
- Go to therapy.
The other approach is to make people feel sorry for you. The key is to generate sympathy because bad things that are outside of your control keep happening to you. If you just screw everything up yourself, you're just pathetic, not sympathetic.
- Fake a robbery of your home.
- Quit your job and take a lower-paying one so that you can spend more time with your kids.
- Fake a debilitating but non-fatal disease.
- Start a blog detailing the unfortunate nature of your life.
- Develop an addiction to pain killers (note: every other drug falls into the pathetic category).
- Tell everyone that your girlfriend or boyfriend that lives in another state died.
- Go to graduate school.
Of course these lists are just suggestions. Be creative, and with a little effort you too can win at Christmas.
Now during the Summer, these roaches are perfectly content to live outside feasting on squirrels and small children. But usually every Fall when the weather starts to turn cold, they seek the shelter and warmth of my home. In the Fall of 2006, for example, I think we had one or two roaches a day in October and November. As you would imagine, roaches of this size can be quite a problem to get rid of. Spraying them with Raid seems to just piss them off. I recommend a shotgun blast at close range. It's a little messy, but it gets the job done.
