Surviving in a Post-Trassie World

Certain events in human history, while seemingly innocuous at the time of their occurrence, in retrospect, prove to be tipping points, triggering an inexorable sequence of events that change the world as we know it forever. Enter Stupid Shannon. Little is known about him. Cassie (the would-be authority) is nearly silent on the issue, and Traci will speak of him only in pejoratives. Regardless, his introduction has fractured a long-standing political alliance, the ramifications of which are only now becoming clear.

To understand the circumstances in which we find ourselves, we must look all the way back to the 2001 to 2002 time frame. At that time, a great migration was occurring. Recent graduates of UVa were leaving Charlottesville and settling in Washington, DC and the inner suburbs of Arlington and Fairfax. Life was good. From the restaurants of Reston to the bars of Clarendon, the locus of social existence was rooted firmly in the Fairfax-Arlington area. Of course Loudoun County existed back then, but it was a sparsely populated wasteland of farms and rustic villages.

At some point in this golden age, Rob and Mike met Trassie, hardly aware of the crucial role that Trassie would play in their future. At first, Trassie was believed to be a single person, but over time it was realized that Trassie was, in fact, two separate human beings locked in a symbiotic relationship. Traci provided all communication with the outside world while Cassie ensured that their clothes matched and memorized crucial steps in travel directions.

Shortly after this event, the great dispersion began. Amanda and I moved to Georgia. Some other people that Rob and Mike met and whose names I can't remember left as well. Dave went to live in the woods for six months and returned as a bearded and changed man. Now he is seldom seen. As part of Rob and Sarah's self-described plot to steal our identities, they too moved to Georgia. Mike and Sarah moved to Colorado for a year. The only constant through the great dispersion was Trassie.

Meanwhile, in Loudoun County, dark forces were rumbling. Weakness in the Fairfax-Arlington social scence provided the opportunity for Loudoun to sieze control of both the Halloween and New Year's parties. Partygoers from Fairfax and Arlington were forced to make a long and dangerous journey up the dreaded "Greenway." A rapid rise in the real estate market led to the Golden Circle, a ring of towns in Loudoun county so desirable that a decline in real estate prices became impossible. Coupled with a seemingly endless supply of craft beers and '80s movies, the dominance of Loudoun seemed complete.

When Mike and Sarah returned from their one year absence, they found their central position in the area social scene had been ursurped. It was then that they formed the Fairfax-Arlington Alliance with Trassie to serve as a counter-balance to Loudoun hegemony. They even went so far as to establish a rival New Year's party (leading to the great New Year's schism of 2007). When Amanda and I returned to Fairfax in 2008 following a four year absence, we found the situation desperate, but not hopeless.

Things were looking up. Rob and Sarah hoped to move back to the area within a year, and even Dave had been sighted once or twice. That's when the bottom fell out. Sarah decided that she needed to be closer to her step-mother and chose to bypass Washington (taking Rob with her) for points farther north. Then the event that shocked us all occurred. The one constant that we had all relied on finally failed us. Trassie announced that it was breaking up and moving to a far away and mysterious place called Kansas City. Why, you ask.

From what we know, Cassie was introduced to a person named Shannon. By all accounts (and by all, I mean Traci's), Shannon is a man of incomprehensible stupidity. It is rumored that he wears a helmet to prevent self-inflicted injury. But his ownership of two dogs proved irresistible to Cassie and signaled the death knell of Trassie. Trassie decided to split into two separate entities, Traci and Cassie, and live on opposite sides of Kansas City.

The imminent departure of Trassie has led to the dissolution of the Fairfax-Arlington Alliance. We are now but four. The dominance of Loudoun is complete. Amanda and I now feel that we have no choice but to consolidate our position with Mike and Sarah. To that end, we will be moving to Oakton in the near future, and we will begin construction on what we are calling the "Ark." There we may be safe for some time. Near permanent traffic congestion makes the approach to Oakton difficult even under the best of circumstances. We may even be able to hold out long enough for Rob and Sarah to return!

But perhaps I am being too optimistic. Rob and Sarah are moving to Syracuse, a veritable paradise second only to Rochester. They are never coming back. As darkness settles in around me, I cannot help but wonder, who is this man, this Stupid Shannon.