Everything in this Blog is Completely True!!!

Be Prepared!

2009-09-24T20:17:00.031-04:00

Though some of you may not believe it, once upon a time, I was, in fact, a Boy Scout. And what is the Boy Scout Motto? Be Prepared! What was I not during a recent hike in the Alps? You guessed it. Prepared. That is how, I regret to say, the mountain beat me.

But perhaps I should start from beginning. Not long ago Amanda and I were on vacation in Germany and Austria with Rob and Sarah. During part of this trip we stayed in the Leutasch Valley in Austria, and we allocated one day for hiking.

For those of you who have never been to the Alps, they are extremely steep...much steeper than the Rockies. Having been glaciated several times over the last 5 or so million years, they have been carved with deep valleys. For this reason, I had assumed that the mountain tops would be relatively inaccessible to amateur hikers such as ourselves. Consequently, I was anticipating an easy hike around the scenic valley floor, before I returned to drinking beer.

Amanda and I's complete inventory of hiking supplies when we set out: One bottle of water, a camera, two pairs of sunglasses, and a map.

As a general rule, I try to avoid doing things I will regret. But here are a few items I regret not bringing (Pay attention because these will be important later): Several liters of water, food, hiking poles, and sunscreen.

But I digress...we started out on bright sunny Alpen morning on trail that passed by our Pension (That's a bed and breakfast in Germany and Austria). The trail led through a cow pasture and into the forest.

Oh what a nice Alpen stream! This hike is easy so far.

After crossing the stream we reached a cross roads with several trail markers. Rob, Sarah, Amanda, and I began to contemplate which way we should go. We had a map, but that told us little about the quality of the hike. About that time, a helpful local came hiking up the path. Somehow, he knew immediately that we were tourists. Perhaps, he was very perceptive because I can't image what about our appearance would have pegged us as tourists.

He asked us where we were planning on hiking and if we had any questions. I looked at the signs at the crossroads. One trail in particular caught my attention.
"How about the Gehrenspitze? Is it difficult?," I asked.
"Do you mean difficult or dangerous?," he replied.
"Dangerous"
"No, it's not dangerous. Children do it"

He then proceeded to describe the trail in great detail (quite accurately, in fact). It sounded like a good hike, and if children could do it...Gehrenspitze it was. We hung a left at the cross roads and headed up.

I should pause here to briefly describe the hike we were attempting. The Gehrenspitze is the mountain that loomed directly over our hotel. It's peak is 2367 meters high (that's a little under 8000 feet). Not a huge mountain, but not too shabby either. The valley floor from which our journey began was at about 1000 meters (approximately 3000 feet). So we were attempting a climb of around 5000 feet over the distance of 7 or so kilometers. Not too bad.

The first part of the ascent was very steep with many switchbacks and, at times, stair-like. The trail was largely covered with loose rocks and gravel, a surface, which, I commented to Rob, would likely cause us difficulty on the descent. (It did).

Anyone who has been hiking with me knows my penchant for running up the sides of mountains and regretting it later. This hike was no different and we soon noticed that Amanda and I kept getting far ahead of Rob and Sarah. At this point, Rob, who had remembered the Boy Scout motto broke out the walkie-talkies that he had "liberated" from the Diehls. Each couple took radio and off we went.

After an hour or so, we finally broke out of the tree line into an Alpen meadow.

As you can see, we had entered a long valley between the two peaks. The Gehrenspitze is on the left. My best guess is that the bottom of the valley (where we are standing in the picture) is about 4000+ feet. The far end of the valley (way off in the distance) was marked at 2048 meters (about 6600 feet). Looking back the way we came, we had already hiked quite a distance.

During the summer, the farmers graze cattle and horses in these high altitude meadows.

Onward we climbed. After hiking a few hours, we looked back to see our progress.

We had come quite a ways. But we were starting to get hungry and thirsty, and we had drank about half of our water. Also Rob and Sarah were somewhere behind us in the valley. But I don't see them...do you? We had read that there were numerous huts on the trails in the Alps that actually served food. We looked at our map and saw that there was hut at the end the valley on the ridgeline. We wondered if it served food, or at least had water. We looked ahead up the valley.

If you look very, very closely there is a tiny bump on the left side of the "V" shape made by the ridge line against the sky. That was the hut. We radioed Rob that were making for the hut to find out whether or not it had food and water. Rob replied that they were not going to hike to hut until we verified that there was food. Our job was to radio back what we found.

It turned out that they next part of the hike was perhaps the hardest of all. The trail became very narrow and climbed rapidly to the ridge with not a few obstacles. Along the way we caught up with the helpful Austrian who initially described the trail to us. He asked us where our friends were. "I don't know. Somewhere back there." I pointed to the valley below. "They are not afraid, are they?," he asked. "No", I replied, "just slow."

Finally, after a great effort, we reached the ridge line. I was very hungry and thirsty (Amanda seemed to be fine). There were quite a few people picnicking at the crossroads there (and yes, there were small children). Now about that hut. Oh, look there it is...

But there seem to be a lot of cows hanging out there. I guess we had better investigate...oh, no ...ATTACK COW.

It was heading right for us. It marched right up to me, and stared. "I think it wants food or something," I suggested to Amanda. I tried to communicate with it. "I don't have any food, cow," I said. I wasn't sure if it understood English or not, but most of the people around here seem to, so it was worth a shot. The reply was swift, "MOOOOOO!!!" It was not happy. It gave me a look of utter contempt and headed for a family picnicking on a blanket. The woman there started yelling "I don't have anything" in German. The now sullen cow gave up and moved on.

We hiked up to the hut, to investigate. It was just a cow hut! It was used for storing hay for the cows or something like that! So we now we have no food, no water, and another 1ooo+ feet to climb to the peak. We radio back to Rob. The hut is a bust. He responds that he and Sarah are going to head back to the hotel. I realize that there is no way I am going to complete the hike without water (I probably could have made it without the food, though). Amanda and I decide to hike on a little further to something akin to a sub-peak to get some pictures.

It was definitely worth it. Here are some of the pictures we got.

Some more cows (with a view) taunting us:
The peak of the Gehrenspitze...taunting me. The little dot on the narrow trail through the grass is a hiker:

Amanda, ready to continue the ascent to the peak, mocking our weakness:

Some of the peaks nearby with glaciers:

Looking back the way we came:

Sarah asked us to take 360 degree video from the top, which we did. I was going to post it on this blog entry, but I am having trouble uploading it. I may try again later, and add it as a separate post.

So, after taking in the view for awhile we began the long descent. On the way down, we ran into the entire horse herd.

Shortly after passing the heard, we overtook Rob and Sarah. We hiked with them for a little bit, but I was extremely thirsty and wanted to get back to the hotel and get some water...food, too. Amanda and I hiked ahead again. When left valley and returned to the steep trail through the trees. My fears were realized. The loose rocks and gravel were treacherous, especially for legs that were already tired from a full day's hike. We slipped and slid numerous times, and I think I came close to breaking my toe once. Man, I wish I had brought hiking poles!

After a brutal descent through the forest, we finally made back to the hotel, where all we had to eat was a block of cheese. But the faucet in the bathroom sink produced plenty of water. Last but not least, Amanda noticed that my neck was sunburned. If only we had brought sunscreen!

Eventually Rob and Sarah finally returned as well. Everyone was exhausted (except for Amanda). But that's okay, Austria has the perfect cure for exhaustion after a long hike...beer!

Tummy Time

2009-07-26T19:52:00.000-04:00

Amanda says that the back of my head is getting flat. So now I have to do tummy time...It's so embarrassing.

Surviving in a Post-Trassie World

2009-05-11T22:06:00.005-04:00

Certain events in human history, while seemingly innocuous at the time of their occurrence, in retrospect, prove to be tipping points, triggering an inexorable sequence of events that change the world as we know it forever. Enter Stupid Shannon. Little is known about him. Cassie (the would-be authority) is nearly silent on the issue, and Traci will speak of him only in pejoratives. Regardless, his introduction has fractured a long-standing political alliance, the ramifications of which are only now becoming clear.

To understand the circumstances in which we find ourselves, we must look all the way back to the 2001 to 2002 time frame. At that time, a great migration was occurring. Recent graduates of UVa were leaving Charlottesville and settling in Washington, DC and the inner suburbs of Arlington and Fairfax. Life was good. From the restaurants of Reston to the bars of Clarendon, the locus of social existence was rooted firmly in the Fairfax-Arlington area. Of course Loudoun County existed back then, but it was a sparsely populated wasteland of farms and rustic villages.

At some point in this golden age, Rob and Mike met Trassie, hardly aware of the crucial role that Trassie would play in their future. At first, Trassie was believed to be a single person, but over time it was realized that Trassie was, in fact, two separate human beings locked in a symbiotic relationship. Traci provided all communication with the outside world while Cassie ensured that their clothes matched and memorized crucial steps in travel directions.

Shortly after this event, the great dispersion began. Amanda and I moved to Georgia. Some other people that Rob and Mike met and whose names I can't remember left as well. Dave went to live in the woods for six months and returned as a bearded and changed man. Now he is seldom seen. As part of Rob and Sarah's self-described plot to steal our identities, they too moved to Georgia. Mike and Sarah moved to Colorado for a year. The only constant through the great dispersion was Trassie.

Meanwhile, in Loudoun County, dark forces were rumbling. Weakness in the Fairfax-Arlington social scence provided the opportunity for Loudoun to sieze control of both the Halloween and New Year's parties. Partygoers from Fairfax and Arlington were forced to make a long and dangerous journey up the dreaded "Greenway." A rapid rise in the real estate market led to the Golden Circle, a ring of towns in Loudoun county so desirable that a decline in real estate prices became impossible. Coupled with a seemingly endless supply of craft beers and '80s movies, the dominance of Loudoun seemed complete.

When Mike and Sarah returned from their one year absence, they found their central position in the area social scene had been ursurped. It was then that they formed the Fairfax-Arlington Alliance with Trassie to serve as a counter-balance to Loudoun hegemony. They even went so far as to establish a rival New Year's party (leading to the great New Year's schism of 2007). When Amanda and I returned to Fairfax in 2008 following a four year absence, we found the situation desperate, but not hopeless.

Things were looking up. Rob and Sarah hoped to move back to the area within a year, and even Dave had been sighted once or twice. That's when the bottom fell out. Sarah decided that she needed to be closer to her step-mother and chose to bypass Washington (taking Rob with her) for points farther north. Then the event that shocked us all occurred. The one constant that we had all relied on finally failed us. Trassie announced that it was breaking up and moving to a far away and mysterious place called Kansas City. Why, you ask.

From what we know, Cassie was introduced to a person named Shannon. By all accounts (and by all, I mean Traci's), Shannon is a man of incomprehensible stupidity. It is rumored that he wears a helmet to prevent self-inflicted injury. But his ownership of two dogs proved irresistible to Cassie and signaled the death knell of Trassie. Trassie decided to split into two separate entities, Traci and Cassie, and live on opposite sides of Kansas City.

The imminent departure of Trassie has led to the dissolution of the Fairfax-Arlington Alliance. We are now but four. The dominance of Loudoun is complete. Amanda and I now feel that we have no choice but to consolidate our position with Mike and Sarah. To that end, we will be moving to Oakton in the near future, and we will begin construction on what we are calling the "Ark." There we may be safe for some time. Near permanent traffic congestion makes the approach to Oakton difficult even under the best of circumstances. We may even be able to hold out long enough for Rob and Sarah to return!

But perhaps I am being too optimistic. Rob and Sarah are moving to Syracuse, a veritable paradise second only to Rochester. They are never coming back. As darkness settles in around me, I cannot help but wonder, who is this man, this Stupid Shannon.

Apalling Behavior

2009-02-22T19:47:00.002-05:00

Some very appalling behavior has recently come to my attention, and it has to stop...immediately. It seems that quite a few of my readers think it's funny to call Meghann's new baby Viper. Well, it's not funny. It's disrespectful. Do you want her child to grow up to be juvenile delinquent or something? I'm not sure who came up with this (though I'm pretty sure it was Cassie), but you should apologize. And just to head things off, you should NOT call her baby any of the following names: T-Bone, Popcorn, T-Pain, Lunchmeat, Dunclet, Chocolate Thunder, "Izzy's future husband," Aidan, Boxcar Dru, Small Fry, Dr. Dru, "He doesn't really look like you Duncan," or Craig.

Nostalgia

2009-01-15T19:39:00.000-05:00

You know what I could really go for about now? A nuclear sub from Little John's Deli.

Work is Fun!

2008-12-07T10:36:00.001-05:00

Ever work 90+ hours in a week before? You guys should try it. It's fun!

New Directions

2008-09-04T19:55:00.004-04:00

I've come to realize that in my blind pursuit of wealth, I have lost sight of what is really important in life. I have allowed work to consume me and cloud my judgment. In the process, I almost lost what I hold most dear. It is for that reason that I will be quitting my job so that I can focus on blogging full-time.

Don't worry about me, I can subsist on donations and ad revenue from blog. I also borrowed one of Mike D's credit cards. That should help, too. I look forward to regaling you with tales from my new life as a blogger. I'm sure that sitting in front of a computer all day will lead to countless adventures. Make sure you check back soon for my forthcoming post, "Quitting your job with style (and burning multiple bridges in the process!)"

2008-08-28T19:40:00.004-04:00

Don't you just hate it when people go a long time without updating their blog?

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

2008-07-29T19:39:00.004-04:00

If you already own a Nintendo Wii, please stop reading here. If you don't...

HA! HA! I have a Wii and you don't! What a loser! What's that? You went to the store to look for one, but they didn't have any? Awww. Sucks for you.

The Wii is awesome because it allows me to participate in activities I would otherwise do outside but safe from the harmful effects of sunshine and fresh air. Even better it increases my sports productivity. When I play tennis outside on a "tennis court," I have to run around all over the place burning precious, precious calories. When I play Wii tennis, I only have to swing my arm at the right time. That significantly increases the number of games won vs calories expended ratio, a key measure of tennis efficiency.

So while you sad, sorry excuses for athletes are hot and exhausted playing volleyball in the blistering summer sun, I will be cool and relaxed in an air-conditioned room slamming home runs out of the park with merely the flick of my risk...What's that? No, you don't have to explain. It's okay to feel ashamed.

General Equilibrium

2008-07-18T13:30:00.004-04:00

I'm not so sure about work. We had a customer come to us the other day. His requirements were a little ambiguous, so I offered to schedule an SRR in three months. That would give me some time to develop a rough architecture and perhaps even a working WBS and IMS. That's when my manager told me that we can't change what comes in the Chalupa. No special orders. The customer just has to pick something off the menu. Then he sent me in the back to clean out the deep fryer. I don't think I'm cut out to handle the high stress work environment that is Taco Bell.

So, I think maybe I'll quit my job. But what to do for money? I know, I'll work for Amanda. She can pay me to do the dishes. Of course, she doesn't have a job. Where will she get the money to pay me? I know, I can pay her to do the laundry! Things are starting to look up already!

Working Sucks.

2008-07-10T20:46:00.001-04:00

...

Welcome to Virginia...Now go buy some salad!

2008-06-22T20:24:00.003-04:00

As my more astute readers may have already ascertained, I have left Georgia and returned to Virginia. Why you ask? Well first, I have to make clear that the rumors of a falling out between Usher and me are completely untrue and thus have no bearing on this relocation. We had a great time collaborating on his new album, "Here I stand." In fact, if you check out the liner notes, you'll find that he respected my anonymity by not thanking me. So things are going great.

And no, it had nothing to do with Rob's unforgivable betrayal (you know what you did, Rob, so don't act all shocked!). Instead, it really had more to do with getting kicked out by Georgia Tech. It seems that once you meet the requirements for completion of a degree, you are not allowed to collect your graduate research assistant stipend anymore. They just kick you out on the street, and oh, by the way, make a donation to the alumni association on the way out. With my plan to earn money without doing any real work in shambles, I was forced to seek "employment" at a "legitimate" company. Fortunately, my old employer, the Taco Bell on Elden St. in Herndon was willing to take me back.

So now I have returned to Virginia. Of course there was a great deal of fanfare. In fact, Mike D hosted a welcome back party for me at his home. Everyone was supposed to bring something to contribute. I asked Mike what he needed, and he asked me to pick up a few bags of pre-mixed salad. I was under the mistaken impression that this salad would be for eating. It turns out that the sole purpose of this salad was to accent the decor of his kitchen because that is where it remained for the duration of the party. I can't help but feel that this was a subtle but unmistakable message directed at me. "Welcome back to Virginia. Your taste in salad sucks!"

Apparently, Mike D is too good for the spring mix!! I guess a delightful mix of baby lettuce, endive, and mustard greens isn't up to his salad making standards. Well next time you can get the salad yourself because I won't be your lettuce bitch again.

Engaged Encounters

2008-05-04T16:08:00.002-04:00

It seems that my life is scheduled around weddings. At last count, I think I attend approximately three to four hundred a year. Given this frequency of weddings, I have borne witness to a number of engagements. Typically, the process works as follows (though not always in this order): the man goes out and buys an extremely expensive diamond ring, then he asks a woman (preferably one he knows) to marry him. If she accepts, she takes the ring as a pledge of his commitment.

How quaint...and blatantly sexist. The tradition of giving gold and jewels at the engagement dates to when women were viewed as helpless possessions and in need of a man's protection. The high cost means it's kind of like a deposit. You know like earnest money when you're buying a house. The American tradition of a diamond engagement ring that costs two to three months salary is largely a result of a marketing campaign by the diamond cartel DeBeers in an effort to boost diamond sales.

So given the advent of women's lib, it is bizarre that this tradition persists. Women are just as capable as backing out before, or seeking a divorce after the marriage. What ensures a man's security? How does he know his bride to be is serious about marriage? Since it seems unlikely that women will give up expensive engagement rings any time soon, it seems only fair that the women should give the man an equivalent gift as a pledge of her commitment.

In some, though still rare, cases the woman gives the man an engagement watch or ring. But this will never catch on. We men are practical creatures, and we have little use for jewels. Thus, I propose a new tradition, the engagement TV. What better way to celebrate the joy of marriage then with a Samsung 70" 1080p flat panel LCD HDTV? I'm sure you could it engraved with your initials or something sentimental like that.

I can just imagine it now. A darkened room, silhouettes on the wall, classical music playing, we see the shadow of a woman get down on one knee before a man. She opens the box, revealing the TV. In his joy he hugs her, a clear sign of acceptance. How else can three months salary last a lifetime?

I Think It's Time for Me to Leave

2008-04-16T00:31:00.004-04:00

My time in Georgia is rapidly drawing to a close. My decision to leave was not made lightly, but it is most certainly mutual. I mean everything started out great, but eventually we grew apart. Finally, things turned nasty.

In the beginning Atlanta was new and exciting. Here it is common (and in fact encouraged) to drive 75 to 80 in a 55 zone. There were strip clubs on every corner, and housing prices were half of what they were in DC. But after awhile, it's the little things that get to you. Georgia tried to change me, and I didn't want to be changed. It told me I wasn't allowed to drink on Sunday and that accepting the overwhelming scientific evidence in favor of evolution has set me on a path straight toward Hell.

Even so, we were able to overlook our differences. After all, we were having a good time. Georgia only made me work four hours a day, and I paid Georgia taxes and quietly accepted that my state representative, state senator, and house representative are political extremists that run unopposed in every election.

But then I made the fatal mistake of talking about Georgia behind its back. I just needed to vent, and I only discussed our problems with people I trusted. Even so, word must have made it back because that's when the passive aggressive behavior began. And let me tell you that the first retaliatory act was a doozy. Last September, my favorite strip club, Girls-R-Fun, shut down (an event documented by Sarah). Now I will never get to go. I was saving it for my graduation celebration, but now that will never happen.

Things continued downhill from there. Not long afterwards, the only radio station I listened to shut down. Georgia was trying to tell me something. We tried to patch things up, but about then I started talking to my old state, Virginia, again. When Georgia found out, it went ballistic. GDOT closed the exit I use to get to work and eliminated a lane from the highway. At that point things were pretty much over. I told Georgia I was moving out. Fortunately, Virginia has agreed to take me back.

I'm looking forward to it. Really. Things are going to be different this time around. I won't complain at all about the long commutes and outrageous real estate prices...I'm screwed.

Dangerously Overeducated

2008-04-02T14:06:00.003-04:00

As some of you might have heard, I successfully defended my doctoral dissertation about a month ago. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate your your praise. Put down that middle finger, Mike D! As with any academic, I enjoy discussing my field of study at great length, and I would like to take this opportunity to tell you a little more about the school where I studied and the degree I obtained.

First, I cannot say enough about my school, Creme de la Creme. It has been voted the number one daycare/pre-school program in Atlanta. I have to say that moving all the way from Washington, D.C. just to attend this mecca of learning was definitely worth it. While at 29 years of age, I am considered a non-traditional aged student, I think I fit in quite well with my peers. I especially excelled at nap time and snack time. Sometimes some of the other students are so excited that they have trouble settling down for nap time, but that has never been a problem for me. Also, some get too full to finish their snacks. Rather than let perfectly good food go to waste, I am obligated to go through the trash can and finish off the leftovers.

You might want to know what I studied at Creme de la Creme. Well, my PhD will be in Lego building. I spent several years studying the structure and composition of Lego bricks as well as Lego design philosophy. Upon the completion of my formal coursework, I had to take a difficult examination in which I had to construct a puppy out of Legos in just 8 hours! After passing the exam, not only was I cleared to proceed with my dissertation work, but I also gained access to the regular sized Lego bricks (The large Duplo blocks can be quite limiting creatively). Despite my extensive training, there were still several choking incidents, but with time and experience I learned which Legos were safe to eat and which were choking hazards.

By the end of my third year, I was ready to propose my dissertation. It was entitled "An Analysis of the Structural Properties of Acrylonitrile Butadiene Styrene and its Application to Building Really Awesome Star Cruisers." The topic was a big hit with the faculty. As part of my research I built the really awesome star cruiser seen below.

I successfully defended about a month ago, and I have since been nominated for a best dissertation award for, and I quote, "the insightful recognition that it is really the properties that the polybutadiene lends to ABS that make it a viable material for use in children's toys," and for "being quite legible despite being written in Crayon."

I think my degree has throughly prepared me for my new career as a stay at home husband, and I encourage any of you out there that are also interested in this career field to consider pursuing your degree at Creme de la Creme.

This Blast's for You!

2008-03-14T14:51:00.004-04:00

Today, I found a flier from my apartment complex stuck in my door. Its inent was to alert me to an upcoming event involving an improv comedy troupe. Improv comedy is all well and good, but that is not why I am telling you about this. What caught my attention was on the very bottom of the flier, and I quote, "Sign up for more email blasts about this and other resident events..."

Email "blasts"? How pathetic. I can't believe I have been calling them email "messages" all this time. I am such a loser. Screw messages! From now on I am only going to send email blasts. It's going to make my everyday conversations so much more edgy and dynamic. For example, "Hey Rob, did you get the email blast I sent you about the party this weekend?" But why confine it to a single part of speech? Nouns are for losers. Verbs are way more proactive. Like, "Let me blast that expense report to you as email attachment, sir." The possibilities are endless.

Like, from now on, I'm not going write blog posts, I am going to write blog blasts. In fact, I hope you really enjoyed this blog blast! Too cool!

Parsing the Polls

2008-03-05T20:27:00.003-05:00

The presidential primaries can be exciting, yet confusing at the same time. The byzantine methods for assigning delegates and determining party nominees are bad enough, but there are also the sometimes incomprehensible analyses by pundits and experts. With the proper guidance, however, understanding election results can be easy and fun.

First, one has to understand exist polls. Exit polling involves interviewing a random sample of voters leaving the polling place. Exit polls do not just involve asking "who did you vote for?". Rather, they consider a wide range of demographic and ideologically based questions that allow experts to parse the polling data to determine why one candidate won and the others lost. This allows pundits to extrapolate and make predictions and candidates to adjust their campaign strategies.

To illustrate just how this works, let us consider Hillary Clinton's recent victories in Texas and Ohio. First, Texas. An analysis of the exit polls reveals that the deciding factor was Hillary Clinton's 4 to 1 margin of support in the turtle lover demographic. Most likely this was due to Clinton's long history of supporting keratin subsidies which turtles need to build strong, healthy shells. Interestingly, the trend totally reversed in Ohio where Obama won the turtle lover vote 3 to 1.

Now you might be confused here, but this too is easily explainable because Ohioans are strongly against NAFTA which has led to a marked rise in the export of US turtles to Mexico (Something Ohioans strongly oppose). So in the case of Ohio, Clinton's support of NAFTA clearly outweighed her support of keratin subsidies. Making more sense now?

Of course, you might wonder, if Obama won the turtle lover vote in Ohio, then why didn't he win the Ohio primary? Well, it turns out that turtle lovers make up a much smaller portion of voters in Ohio than in Texas. It seems that in Ohio, the majority of Democratic voters were uncomfortable with a candidate of mixed ancestry.

Now you might say, why didn't the exit polling in other states reveal these critical trends and make the Texas and Ohio contests a foregone conclusion? I will forgive your ignorance. Your still have a lot to learn!

This Explains So Much

2008-03-05T20:04:00.002-05:00

This one is for Rob and Duncan.

FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan

Though, I can't say that I would mind this type of artistic programing.

And the Award Goes to...

2008-03-04T19:37:00.003-05:00

Given the proliferation of awards shows from movies to music to video games, it seems like anyone can give out an award for just about anything. Thus, it seems only fair that I should be able to make my own movie awards list. My categories are a bit unorthodox, but I think they reveal some under recognized achievements in movie making. Here they are. Enjoy!

Best Air Guitar - Mike Myers and Dana Carvey, Wayne's World
Best Haircut - Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Best Air Bite - Val Kilmer, Top Gun
Best Trench Run when it would have made more sense to fly directly to the thermal exhaust port - Star Wars
Best Tell-Off Line - "Nobody puts Baby in a corner", Patrick Swayze, Dirty Dancing
Best Care Bear Stare - Care Bears, The Movie
Best Movie Scene Illustrating an Economic Principle - Nicolas Cage buying oranges, City of Angels
Most Superfluous and Incomprehensible Oral Sex Scene in the History of Movie Making - Hugh Jackman receiving oral sex with a gun to his head while trying to hack into the Department of Defense, Swordfish
Filmmaker with the most creepy preoccupation with midgets - George Lucas, pretty much every movie he has made other than American Graffiti
Dumbest Movie about Genetics - Gattica
Most Boring Movie Ever Made - Santa Claus versus the Martians
Steamiest Soil Room Scene - Zoolander

And my personal favorite

Best Death Involving a Logging Truck - Meg Ryan, City of Angels

Hannah Miketana

2008-02-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Super Tuesday, and Georgia was one of the 24 states holding a primary. Now I like to hedge my bets, so I voted in both primaries. First, I went and voted in the Republican primary. Then, I put on a blond wig and voted in the Democratic primary. Who did I vote for you ask.? I voted for the same person in both primaries, Disney phenom Hannah Montana!

I think Hannah Montana is the perfect person to be our next president. The American presidency is a particularly challenging position given its dual role. The president serves as both the head of state and the chief executive. Many other nations divide this role. Thus, the American president must perform a delicate balancing act, and who better to accomplish than someone who is leading a double life. Miley Stewart is an average teen by day, but she is also secretly rock star Hannah Montana by night! It's the most outrageous thing since Jem!

Even more importantly, Hannah Montana is a uniter. When I voted in the Republican primary, I voted for Miley Stewart since she is the kind of family values candidate that would appeal to the Republican electorate. But for the Democratic primary, I voted for the rock star, Hannah Montana. Clearly, the outrageous liberal antics of a rock star are much more amenable to the Democratic philosophy on governing. Yet both of these persona are embodied in the same person! She is certainly a unifying political force to be reckoned with.

Now you might object that neither Miley Stewart or Hannah Montana were on the ballot in either primary. No problem I wrote them in. Now the electronic voting machine does not allow write-ins for primaries, but I brought my trusty magic marker. I simply crossed out Tom Tancredo and Chris Dodd and and wrote Miley Stewart and Hannah Montana respectively in their places. Problem solved.

Every Dark Cloud has a Silver Lining

2008-01-13T20:02:00.000-05:00

Now being in drought definitely has its downside. I haven't been able to wash my car in a year, and I can't leave my shower running all day. But there is also a definite upside...no roaches. Now you might say sure, roaches are disgusting, but big deal. Well, if you are from points further north, I will excuse your ignorance. You are clearly not familiar with roaches in the deep South. In Georgia, the roaches are approximately the size of a small dog.

Now during the Summer, these roaches are perfectly content to live outside feasting on squirrels and small children. But usually every Fall when the weather starts to turn cold, they seek the shelter and warmth of my home. In the Fall of 2006, for example, I think we had one or two roaches a day in October and November. As you would imagine, roaches of this size can be quite a problem to get rid of. Spraying them with Raid seems to just piss them off. I recommend a shotgun blast at close range. It's a little messy, but it gets the job done.

But anyway, it just occurred to me that we only got one roach this fall. Clearly, this is a positive side effect of our near record breaking drought. But now what I am going to do with a entire closet full of buckshot?

Sarah is a Big Meanie!

2008-01-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I can't write anything. I am crying too hard. Just look at the mean stuff she wrote about me.

Why Mike P is a jerkface

No good deed goes unpunished.

Winning at Christmas

2008-01-04T08:54:00.000-05:00

Alright, everyone. Christmas is over, it's time to tally up the scores. Did you win? Here's how it works. Tally up the total market value of all of the presents you received for Christmas then subtract the total market value of all the presents you have given. If you get a positive number, then you had a net gain, and you won! Conversely, if you get a negative number, you're a loser. Don't be sad, there's always next year.

Winning at Christmas can be a challenging endeavor depending on your particular situation. If you are a loser, I have provided some tips to improve your chances of winning next year. As always, these suggestions must be adapted to the context in which you operate. Certain approaches may actually achieve the opposite effect depending upon the personalities of those in your present exchange network.

At first one might think that giving fewer or less valuable presents would be a good way to go. Rookie mistake. That might work out for a year or two, but over time people will reciprocate and your temporary gain will evaporate. Instead, try improve either your likability or try to generate sympathy/guilt.

On the likability side, here are some possible approaches:

Be nicer to people. Don't throw things at their pets/children.
If you talk too much, talk less. If you talk too little, talk more.
Try to do small, thoughtful things for others throughout the year.
Try not do drink so much.
Get plastic surgery.
Go to therapy.

The other approach is to make people feel sorry for you. The key is to generate sympathy because bad things that are outside of your control keep happening to you. If you just screw everything up yourself, you're just pathetic, not sympathetic.

Fake a robbery of your home.
Quit your job and take a lower-paying one so that you can spend more time with your kids.
Fake a debilitating but non-fatal disease.
Start a blog detailing the unfortunate nature of your life.
Develop an addiction to pain killers (note: every other drug falls into the pathetic category).
Tell everyone that your girlfriend or boyfriend that lives in another state died.
Go to graduate school.

Of course these lists are just suggestions. Be creative, and with a little effort you too can win at Christmas.

Crashed!

2007-12-20T08:41:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was our annual Christmas party. All the regulars were there. We had Montell Jordan kicking it old school for us. Everything was going great...and then the Governor showed up...uninvited. He just burst through the door like he owned the place. He tried to be buddy buddy with all of my guests. Well, except Elton John that is. He stayed at least 30 feet from him at all times like he had a disease or something.

Everyone tried to ignore him, and for the next 30 minutes or so we were able to enjoy ourselves. But then the governor got into the eggnog. Not good. That's when the dancing began. I really didn't know that the human body could be placed in such painful looking contortions. Usher became ill and left. T-Boz wasn't far behind him. Things started to get really awkward when he tried to convince the unmarried guests to sign abstinence pledges. Finally, Jimmy Carter just walked up and punched him in the face. At that point, the party was pretty much over.

We had to call the state troopers to come recover the governor, and Amanda and I started to clean up as our guests filed out. Even worse, we discovered that the governor must have stepped in dog crap because he had tracked it all over our carpet.

We need to sort a few things out.

2007-12-08T17:18:00.001-05:00

It's that time of year it again. It's the Christmas season with all of usual fanfare. And while trees, wreaths, ribbons, and lights are all certainly indicative of Christmas, there is one thing, above all else, that means that Christmas is really here...coin sorters. I was walking through several department stores today and found stacks upon stacks of coin sorters decorating the stores. "Ah ha!," you say, "Coin sorters are gifts, not decorations!" But I beg to differ. Do you own a coin sorter? Have you ever bought a coin sorter as a gift for anyone else? I didn't think so. No one has any practical use for coin sorter in his or her home. Yet every year, out they come. They are purely superfluous, the epitome of a decoration. Perhaps more importantly, however, they are deeply symbolic of Christmas.

Do you remember Jesus's parable of the two vending machine owners? One vending machine owner sorted and rolled the coins he collected from his vending machines by hand. While the other used a hand-cranked coin sorting machine (they didn't have electricity in ancient Jerusalem). The one using the soring machine had lower operating costs per vending machine and thus had a cost advantage on his competitor who rolled by hand. Eventually, he was able to price his competition out of business, and he had a monopoly on the vending machine market in Jerusalem. What does this parable teach us? Actually, I'm not really sure...maybe I should have stuck to the mustard seed one. I know that that one tells about how Jesus loved mustard. Anyway, Santa Claus gets involved at some point, and that's why the coin sorter represents Christmas.

So, next time you walk past a large stack of coin sorters while searching for last minute gifts on December 23, allow them to fill you with the Christmas spirit...but don't buy one. That's a terrible gift!

Oh Yeah!

2007-11-15T21:33:00.000-05:00

Since all blogs invariably devolve to a discussion of current events, I feel no shame in saying that I would like to discuss the serious drought that has struck the Southeast. As you may have heard on the news, the Atlanta metropolitan area has only a month or two of water left in its reservoirs. There has been a great deal of finger pointing. Some say it is mismanagement of water resources and a failure to plan for growth. Others claim that too much water is being released from the reservoirs to protect endangered species. Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue apparently thinks that it is God's fault. But they are all wrong.

It's the Thristees! The Thirstees are the arch nemesis of Kool-Aid Man and will not be satisfied until all are parched and thirsty!

Here is a shot of Thirstees in action.

They seem to be using giant straws to suck what I can only assume to be Lake Lanier completely dry! But where is Kool-Aid Man to stop them? The answer turns out be quite insidious. Here is a shot of Kool-Aid Man from his hey-day in the 1980s.

And here is a picture of him now...

Notice the difference. Since when did Kool-Aid Man wear pants?! Let's be honest here, Kool-Aid Man is a person of considerable girth. Pants must be so confining for him. He can't possibly hope to keep up with those fast moving Thirstees! Look at him back in the halcyon days of the 1980s. He was free and unencumbered. He would aggressively smash through brick walls shouting his catch phrase "Oh Yeah!" Those Thirstees wouldn't stand a chance. Now look at Kool-Aid Man today, friendly, demure, accommodating...the kind of guy you would trust your sister with. But are those really the qualities you seek in a hero, the one you count on to stop at nothing to save the day...even if that means pointlessly smashing through a brick wall to impress children? I thought not.

It would seem, however, that the decency police had their victory. Despite the apparent lack of any visible genitalia, they have forced Kool-Aid Man to don pants, forever resigning him to mediocrity. But what happens when the Thirstees suck every last drop of moisture out of Georgia? What happens when millions of people cry out for a hero with their dry parched tongues? It seems that their cries will go unanswered because it is apparently inappropriate for a large anthropomorphic cartoon pitcher of sugary liquid to not wear pants. May God have mercy on our souls.

Inappropriate Touching

2007-11-04T15:45:00.000-05:00

The annual Blades and Booze Halloween Party is a time-honored and hallowed event. Unfortunately, this year, the otherwise family-friendly gathering was tarnished by some inappropriate and possibly criminal behavior. The most egregious acts were committed by this, as of yet, unidentified man:

If you have any knowledge of his identity or whereabouts, please contact the B&B party authorities immediately. He is wanted for multiple counts of lewd and lascivious behavior. One victim, I'll refer to him as Rob S to protect his anonymity, has alleged that the suspect touched him inappropriately in his bathing suit area. This lead to feelings of embarrassment and shame in the victim. There were numerous other reports of unsolicited ass grabbing, ear licking, and caressing. We suspect that there were other victims as well, but they are too ashamed to come forward.

So please, if you have any information that could lead to the apprehension of this suspect, contact authorities immediately. The B&B party organizers are committed to providing a safe and enjoyable Halloween event for all of their guests, but they need your help to ensure that perverts such as the man pictured above are prevented from striking again.

Everyone ready for Samhain?

2007-10-20T00:18:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, I spent my childhood moving around a lot, and, consequently, I have lived in several different parts of the country. Every place I lived there were always a few who objected to the celebration of Halloween, but for the most part, they were in the minority. Now I live in Georgia, however, and a sizable percentage of the population objects to celebration of Halloween. Due the pressure of evangelical Christians, schools here often celebrate a Fall festival or harvest festival in place of Halloween. They consider it inappropriate for children to be celebrating Halloween in school.

I have thought long and hard about this issue, and I have to say that I completely agree. As every student of history knows, Halloween is Christianity's attempt to co opt a proud and ancient pagan celebration, Samhain. Saimhain is a celebration of the conclusion of the summer harvest, and was marked by communing with the dead and human sacrifice. In the middle ages, the Roman Catholic church tried to squash celebration of Samhain, which it considered heretical, by dropping All Saints Day on top of it. That way one could pray and worship dead saints rather than other non-saint dead people. The name Halloween itself is a contraction of All Hallows Eve, the day before the hallowed day of All Saints Day.

It seems that Halloween has drifted from its roots in Saimhain, and I applaud conservative Christianity's staunch support of tradition. By advocating the return of the harvest festival, they may be taking an unpopular stance, but I admire their conviction. Not many would actively support human sacrifice and necromancy these days, but just because it isn't popular doesn't mean it isn't right!

So join with me and the evangelical Christian community in reviving the harvest festival, Samhain. All hail Samhain, lord of the dead! We will sacrifice many a pagan soul to you this Halloween!

Scratch one invite...

2007-10-15T19:48:00.000-04:00

I don't think T.I. will be attending my Christmas party this year.

Rapper T.I. in Custody Until Friday

Since I seem to be one attendee short, I guess you can come this year, Mike D.

How Sarah Ruined Six Flags

2007-10-05T16:44:00.000-04:00

By now you have probably read Sarah's account of our group trip to Six Flags last weekend. It's an amusing little tale, but it's also completely false. Oh Sarah got sick alright, but it wasn't from riding any roller coaster. I'm going to hazard a guess that it was the entire bottle of Tequila she downed on the way to the park. It was all down hill from there.

Sarah can be a bit of an angry drunk, and after she "tossed her cookies", Rob tried to comfort her. Big mistake. Sarah took the empty bottle and smashed it on the side of his head. Rob was out cold. Amanda and I bolted. We didn't want to stick around to see the aftermath. Sorry, Rob.

Amanda and I tried to see what we could salvage from this trip by riding a couple of roller coasters when we realized that Rob was our ride! We figured we had better go and find him. After searching for about an hour we found him, still unconscious, in some bushes. I guess Sarah had dumped him there.

Our initial attempts at reviving Rob proved futile. Then we got creative and starting humming the Halo theme music. That did the trick. Rob popped up ready for anything. After spending a few minutes convincing Rob that he was not, in fact, a genetically engineered super soldier (his face was so disappointed), we started to head for the car.

Unfortunately, our consciouses decided to kick in about then, and we started to feel guilty about leaving Sarah. Sure she ruined Six Flags, but should we really leave her behind? So the search began.

We started asking around and heard some rumors about a crazy woman that was terrorizing all of the Georgia Tech freshmen, and, ironically, binging on raw tomatoes. But we had no word on her whereabouts. We sat and thought, "What does Sarah enjoy more than anything?" Why Superman the roller coaster, of course!

We found her there, strapped into the ride, passed out, with a smile on her face. Apparently, after she punched out a staff member, they let her stay on the ride as long as she wanted. So we unhooked her from the ride and tossed her in the trunk for the trip home.

Classics of American Cinema

2007-09-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

This entry is the first in an on going series celebrating the great films of American cinema. With each entry I will highlight a film I consider to be of both exceptional quality and a testament to the art of film making. This first film honored, Robocop.

Released in 1987 and directed by Paul Verhoven (Starship Troopers, Total Recall), Robocop is a modern rebirth of 1940s film noir. With its dark scenery, urban setting, no frills production values, and robots with multi-barreled cannons, it is a fitting homage to the genre. But Robocop doesn't stop there. It deftly interweaves several archetypal themes from both literature and film. Among these are the moral dilemmas associated with the control poverty and crime, the heartless Machiavellian villian who manipulates the lives of the innocent to facilitate his own power grab, and the noble, selfless hero who, when horribly maimed by criminals, is turned into a semi-conscious cyborg in order to fight crime.

With a really awesome gun that fits inside his leg, Robocop proceeds to lay waste to the criminals of Detroit with total disregard to constitutional rights or due process. He eventually kills all of the antagonists of the film. Problem solved. One can only assume that Detroit went on to become a veritable utopia.

Of course, Robocop didn't stop there. It went on to spawn two sequels, toys (despite the film's R rating), and an awesome video game (make sure you use the Cobra gun on ED-209 at the end of the first level).

On a more personal note, I saw this movie when I was a little kid and it scared the crap out of me.

Abstract

2007-09-09T21:46:00.000-04:00

For those of you who are also regular readers of Rob's blog, you may have noticed that his latest entry is EXTREMELY long. If you have neither the time or inclination to read the whole thing, I will provide a summary.

Rob says he writes very long emails.
He spends a great deal of time working on these emails.
Someone told him that his emails are too long (Note that that person was not me).
Rob assures us that his emails will be shorter in the future.
The B&B party emails are exempt from the previous assurance.

Just a Misunderstanding

2007-08-30T00:08:00.000-04:00

I'm sure by now you have heard about Idaho Senator Larry Craig's arrest and subsequent guilty plea to lewd behavior in an airport bathroom. According to the arresting officer, Craig entered the bathroom stall next to the undercover officer and tapped his right foot. This is supposedly a signal for sex. Then Craig allegedly put his foot under the stall wall and touched the officers foot and then reached under the stall wall repeatedly with his hand. Of course, Craig had a perfectly reasonable explanation for this, he has a "wide stance" when he goes to the bathroom.

Over the past few days the wide stance explanation has been joke fodder throughout the media. Apparently, people seem to think that this is funny. Well, it's not funny! Wide Bathroom Stance (WBS) is a serious disorder and often goes unrecognized. It is believed to be caused by a deficiency of vitamins C and D during childhood bone and muscle development. Those suffering from this condition have difficultly balancing themselves on conventional toilets and thus have to assume a wide stance to avoid falling off the seat. At home, WBS patients can have a special toilet seat installed that provides additional support, but in public WBS sufferers must make do as best as they can. An unfortunate, but all too common side effect, is sudden and uncontrollable spasms of the legs and arms. This can cause the victim to inadvertently bump individuals in adjacent stalls, an embarrassing situation for everyone involved. This can sometimes be controlled by medication, but it is not 100% effective.

So you see that Sen. Craig is really the victim here, and the police should have been more sensitive to his condition. WBS is an embarrassing condition, and it is likely that Sen. Craig initially plead guilty to avoid revealing his disease to the public. Once again, the media viciously attacked and slandered another person in a position of responsibility without checking their facts. If there is one positive outcome of Sen. Craig's unfortunate situation, it is that it will increase public awareness of WBS as a medical condition and help facilitate the search for a cure to this debilitating disease.

Thank you

2007-08-27T23:04:00.000-04:00

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank Marie and her family for all of they hard work they have put in over the years making delicious ice cream. This past weekend I discovered a new flavor, Cinnamon Buns! This is perhaps one of most tasty pints of ice cream I have ever had.

But this isn't the only one. Over the years Marie and her family have labored long and hard to produce Vermont's finest premium ice cream. Other favorites of mine include American Pie and the perennial favorite of many, Phish food!

Of course, Marie, being the selfish person that she is, has decided to teach children and help others rather than to continue to produce expensive, luxury ice cream. I am sure that her uncles Ben and Jerry will continue on as best they can, but it just won't be the same.

P.S. Marie, when is free cone day, again?

Tour De Atlanta

2007-08-17T00:28:00.000-04:00

A year or two ago, Atlanta created a new branding campaign to increase tourism in Atlanta. Their slogan is, "Every day is opening day." Not quite "What happens in Vegas..." I'm not really sure why the tourists aren't pouring in. I mean Atlanta is the preeminent commercial, industrial, and shipping hub of the southeast. Who doesn't love shipping? I'm stumped myself as to why Atlanta hasn't knocked the Bahamas off the top of the tourist destinations list. So in order to encourage people to visit Atlanta, I have created a virtual tour of the city's top attractions.

Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport - They don't call it the ATL for nothing. Atlanta is colloquially referred to by its airport code, ATL. That's probably because the airport is all that most visitors to Atlanta ever see. As the busiest airport in the world, thousands upon thousands of air travelers have had the pleasure of sleeping on the floors of the airport's spacious concourses and baggage claim areas.
MARTA - Atlanta has a subway! It has two lines! No one rides it! Isn't it cute!
Stone Mountain - Stone mountain is a unique geologic formation. It is essentially a giant granite rock that towers 825 feet over the surrounding terrain. It is a natural wonder that is home to several unique species of plants and animals. And in the grand tradition of the South, this natural wonder was defaced by carving 90 foot tall Confederate heroes into the side. It is also the site of the 20th century revival of the KKK.
CDC - Atlanta is home to the Centers for Disease Control. It is very comforting knowing that mere miles from my home is a storehouse of some of the deadliest diseases the world has ever known. Fun!
Downtown - Downtown Atlanta is home such attractions as the Centennial Olympic Park, the World of Coke, and the CNN Center. You may remember Centennial Olympic Park from the bombing during the Olympics in 1996. Also, Atlanta is the birth place of Coca-cola. Coke used to have cocaine in it to ease headaches. Atlanta is also home the Turner empire which includes CNN. You can take a tour of the CNN Center. It sounds exciting! Maybe I'll take it someday. Interestingly, everyone in Georgia watches Fox News. Go figure.
Six Flags Over Georgia - Six Flags Over Georgia is home to Goliath, a totally awesome roller coaster. It is also home to frequent shootings, stabbings, and beatings. It seems that during the summer it is cheaper to buy a season pass at Six Flags than to pay for daycare. Unsupervised teenagers would never get into any trouble, would they?
Kennesaw Mountain - During the Civil War, Atlanta was an important military supply and transportation hub for the Confederacy. Its defense was imperative. To that end, the Confederate army fortified a steep hill just northwest of the city along the Union path of advance. They placed gun batteries and fortifications atop the hill in almost unassailable positions. The Union, when faced with this seemingly impregnable position, prudently marched around Kennesaw Mountain and continued on their way to Atlanta.
The Big Chicken - It's a KFC that looks like a giant chicken. The beak opens and closes, and the eyes move around. Bitch'n!
Celebrities - Atlanta is home to a suprisingly large number of celebrities: Elton John, Usher, Whitney Houston, Outkast, T-Boz, TI, Ted Turner,... and the list goes on. I heard that Whitney Houston lives somewhere in Alpharetta. Wanna go find her house? I hear she's really friendly!

This is just a sampling of what Atlanta has to offer. To get the full Atlanta experience, you will have to come and see it for yourself!

Kitten Assault!

2007-08-09T13:50:00.000-04:00

Beware! I have uncovered a new and fiendish plot by Al Qaeda to terrorize our nation! It's a good thing that I am ever vigilant and have been able to uncover this sinister plot. It seems that Al Qaeda plans to bypass our defenses by using seemingly harmless kittens. But do not be fooled, these kittens have been brainwashed and extensively trained in the martial arts!

Al Qaeda plans on smuggling these kittens into the country inside pumpkins just in time for Halloween. Then, at the hight of our Halloween parties when we are drunk and unable to stop them, the kittens will burst forth from the pumpkins and unleash their vengeance.

Once free, they will shred our furniture and curtains with their sharp, retractable claws causing hundreds of dollars worth of damage. If anyone tries to stop them they are likely to get their arms clawed...and that stings! I caution you all to remain vigilant. New, but as of yet unconfirmed, intelligence indicates that some kittens may already be here, in disguise, scouting out potential targets.

You have been warned!

Robbed!

2007-08-07T21:24:00.000-04:00

I have been robbed...metaphorically, of course. I think I deserve an award! Rob got an award, and I gave Amanda McD an award. I don't recall either one of them curing cancer. The other day I was thinking about how awesome I am and wondering why no one else has seemed to notice. Well, no one except my dog. He seems to think I'm pretty awesome, but he's a dog so he can't give out awards. What the hell does someone have to do to get some recognition? Yeah, yeah, I know you actually have to do something that benefits others. But I don't want to do something for others. That requires too much effort, and I don't get anything out of it. What I need to do is create my own award that rewards me for doing nothing but act like it is really important. You know, like the Oscars.

Thus, I name myself the first annual recipient of the Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Ice Cream Consumption. This is an extremely prestigious award, and the competition was tight. There are literally billions of ice cream consumers in the world, and many display a impressive degree of excellence in ice cream consumption. After careful consideration and an agonizingly difficult decision process, I settled on myself. So, congratulations me! Great job!

Cashing In

2007-07-20T17:04:00.000-04:00

Are you upset that the Harry Potter series will soon be drawing to a close? Do you need to get your wizard fix somewhere else? Then look no further than my new book Larry Kotter and the Awesome Stuff That Happened. Larry Kotter is also boy wizard, but he is an AMERICAN wizard and so he better understands the problems that American kids (and adults) go through. The Larry Kotter series dispenses with those gay sounding British names for things like Hogwarts and Quidditch. Instead Larry and his friends give themselves cool sounding wizard names like Rage, Ice, Lazer, and Chris! And I'm sure that Great Britain is overrun with evil wizards and their henchmen, but that's really not a problem here. So Larry confronts dilemmas that Americans might face such as stopping a school shooter, diffusing a terrorist bomb, and competing on American Idol. Now, I am sure you are chomping at the bit and screaming "How can I get my hands on a copy?!" Well, the Larry Kotter series of books is self published. Apparently, it was just too dynamic and proactive for those stodgy old publishers. So if you would like a copy, just send me $20, and I will send you one. Sorry, no CODs.

HA HA!

2007-07-18T19:57:00.000-04:00

Snubbed!!!

2007-07-11T22:32:00.001-04:00

The big event this past weekend was, of course, Live Earth. Live Earth was musical event that spanned the entire globe with venues on every continent. It featured major bands such the Dave Mathews Band and Bon Jovi. Its purpose was to raise awareness of the impending crisis of global climate change. That's all well and good, but I am pissed because I got snubbed! I personally contacted Al Gore to offer to have my bluegrass band, the Angry Tubers, perform at Live Earth. But his assistant said that Mr. Gore was very busy, and couldn't talk to me. Furthermore, participation was by invitation only!

Well, no one loves the Earth more than me and my band. Anyone who knows me, knows I am way into preserving traditional Appalachian culture. And what is more environmentally friendly than that?! So you missed out, Mr Gore!

The Angry Tubers: From left: Chuck, Jed, me, and Blake

Scandal!

2007-07-10T23:31:00.000-04:00

I'm sure by now that you have heard that D.C. madam's client list has been released. Since the list is just phone numbers it will take some time to associate the phone numbers with names, but already it has come to light that Louisiana Senator David Vitter was a client of the D.C. madam. Since it is bound to come out now, I must admit that my name is on that list. Unfortunately, one night Senator Vitter and I got a little out of control and made some bad decisions. I had made a major contribution to his campaign and in return he inserted tax break for my novelty offensive T-shirt business into a high-priority defense bill. We were celebrating, and we got a little drunk. David suggested that we call an escort service that one of his fellow Senators told him about. So we got a nice hotel room in downtown DC, and hired two escorts. Now I must emphasize that no sexual acts took place. The DC madam is in the business of provided unique, LEGAL fantasies. In our case, David and I like to get attractive, provocatively dressed women take them to a hotel room and hold a tea party with our stuffed rabbits Mr. Whiskers and Ms. Floppy. This fantasy may sound strange to you, but I ask you not pass judgment. We made a mistake, and we have atoned for it. But we did nothing illegal. The last thing that we would think of when hiring an escort is sex. I mean come on!

Oh look at me!! I'm accumulating equity!!!

2007-06-24T14:51:00.000-04:00

I have noticed a disconcerting trend lately. It's seems like many people I know are either in the market for or have recently purchased their own home. And I have noticed that conversation regarding said acquisition of property has taken on decidedly elitist overtones. I guess that since you all are a part of the landed gentry now, you think that you're better than me! Oh look at me!! I'm accumulating equity! My mortgage payments will end at some point, but your rental payments will continue in perpetuity! I love mowing my own lawn and spending all of my disposable income on upkeep!

Really, do you have to rub it in my face? You know maybe I want to be house-poor too but just can't afford it right now. And maybe I shouldn't have invested $50,000 in rare LPGA trading cards...but the guy at the hobby shop told me that LPGA trading cards are the fasting growing segment of the sports collectibles market! I couldn't lose! So quit thinking your better than me because when I unload this Annika Sorenstam rookie card at a hefty profit, I'm going get a way better house than you. And who's going to be laughing then?

Kicking It Preschool...

2007-06-17T23:23:00.000-04:00

So I haven't seen Usher much in recent months, what with his busy touring schedule and all. But he had a break in his tour, and we decided to get together and hang out. But what to do? We had pretty much done everything there is to do in Atlanta: The World of Coke, the CNN Center, the Georgia Aquarium, and really, how many times can you see Margaret Mitchell's house? I think eight is enough. Usher really likes art, so he suggested that we take an art class together, and we signed up for a finger painting class at the local community center. I did a really cool painting of a duck floating in a pond, but Usher went and outdid me once again. He painted a bug flying over a tree. Of course, he had to go and show it to everyone...

Marie!!!

2007-06-17T21:14:00.000-04:00

Marie has finally jumped on the blog bandwagon. She is what we term a late adopter. If you doubt me, check out her cell phone. I think you still have to connect via an operator. As many of you know Marie is from Vermont, and she has grown up suffering constant hardship. We all know about the intense parental pressure to take Physics III in college, but what you may not is that as a child Marie worked long hard hours in the family ice cream factory for only pennies a day. Not only was this a gross violation of child labor laws, but it would take a year for her to afford one delicious pint of her family's own ice cream. While Marie may deny this, she is just trying to cover up for her family. Here's how I see it. Marie's family lives in Vermont. Since hardly anyone lives in Vermont, they must be the only people that live there. Vermont's only product is ice cream. Given the volume of ice cream produced, Marie's entire family must work in the factory. You do the math. Anyway, I think Marie's struggles to overcome adversity will make for some good blog entries, so check out her blog here.

And the Award Goes to...

2007-06-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

There has been some bitching as of late regarding the blog rating system that I use to inform my readers of the status of other blogs. As with any rating system there will be winners and losers, but some seem to feel that I only focus on the negative in order to feed my own ego. Perhaps that is so, but perhaps, and more likely, the quality of the blogs I have been tracking simply does not merit positive comment.

All that has changed recently with the addition of a new blog to my list. Amanda McD's blog is a breath of fresh air in the otherwise stale atmosphere of the blogosphere. Through a single entry she has brought originality and good old fashioned ChemE sense back to blogging. In recognition of this achievement I name her blog the very first recipient of the Exploding Distillation Column Award for outstanding achievement in the field of chemical engineering themed blogging, or "Disty" as it is known colloquially. Congratulations Amanda on your achievement. As for the rest of you, this will give you something to shoot for. Don't screw it up.

This Week...Puppies!

2007-06-10T16:45:00.000-04:00

Another New Blog

2007-06-10T16:25:00.001-04:00

Amanda McD has decided to join the blogging crowd. Check out her new blog here. Since she is new, she will be spared the rating system for now. Go ChemEs!

At the Special Olympics, everyone is a winner!

2007-05-23T14:35:00.000-04:00

Crisis!

2007-05-22T09:41:00.000-04:00

Crisis! Beach week is a few short days away, yet there is a serious obstacle to fully enjoying the beach. At last check, the water temperature is only 61 degrees. This is far too cold! And unacceptable. The water should be at least 70 degrees, and to remedy this situation I have devised an ingenious plan. I am going to take my water heater the beach to start warming up the water. I have included a detailed schematic of my plan below.

Unfortunately, I do not think that my water heater alone will be enough. I think I will need at least three. So I am looking for two volunteers who are willing to bring their water heaters to the beach. Please let me know.

Greetings From Monterey!

2007-05-15T21:25:00.000-04:00

Hi! I'm in Monterey, California. Today was an especially exciting day because I am the first person ever to travel through time! How did I do it? Well, I'm not really sure, but here is what happened. I boarded a flight in Atlanta at 8:30 AM. The duration of the flight was 5 hours. This would imply that my arrival time would be 1:30 PM, but when I arrived at the airport in San Jose, it was only 10:30 AM! Amazing! I can only assume that our plane traveled through some sort of wormhole in space-time. There is additional evidence that this may have, in fact, occurred. First, the ocean is on the west side rather than the east side suggesting that we could have entered some parallel dimension where everything is opposite. Second, it's 50 degrees outside here, and it was 80 when I left Atlanta. I can only assume I have traveled all the way back to January. Finally, the governor here is some sort of cybernetic human that is nearly indestructible. So it is clear that I have traveled through a wormhole. I can only hope that for my return flight we travel the exact same route just in reverse and hope that I can somehow recover the three hours that I lost.

The Big Igloo in the Sky

2007-05-07T19:57:00.000-04:00

It is my regrettable duty to inform you all that our Guinea pig, GP, has passed away. Sure she had her flaws. She was subject to carrot fueled rages in which she would toss her bowl across her cage, and I'm pretty sure she was plotting to kill me. But I prefer to remember the good times. Like when she would imitate the sound the phone made when it rang, or when she would wear her paper tube around like a suit of armor, or the time she peed on the vet, or the time she hid under our bed and we had to force her out with a stick.

What else can I say about GP. She lived in a purple plastic igloo, and she lived her life with a sense of purpose. She knew that her one job on Earth was to convert food pellets into copious amounts of hair. And now with her purpose in life fulfilled, she has left us for the big igloo in the sky. As Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." GP was certainly meek, so I guess she will get a pretty big chunk of the Earth when the time comes.

In Memoriam

Guniea Pig
2003-2007

(Please hum Amazing Grace to yourself)

Top 10 Ways to Not Get a Girlfriend

2007-04-28T12:57:00.000-04:00

Since I couldn't think of anything to satirize today, I thought I would do another semi-serious entry. Taking a page out of Rob's book, I would like to talk about video games. Not being the cultured connoisseur of video games that he is, I cannot promise the type of in-depth analysis that we have to come expect from him. However, I will do my best.

I happened to read a news article in the business section the regarding the resuscitation of Nintendo by the peculiarly named Wii. The article discussed how Nintendo revolutionized gaming console industry with the introduction of the NES back in the 80s. The NES introduced many of the features that are considered standard on video game systems today, yet the company had fallen onto hard times recently as a result of heavy competition. Knowing that they could not compete toe-to-toe with Sony and Microsoft, Nintendo management decided to revolutionize the video game market once again with the introduction of the Wii. So far it would appear that they have been successful. That got me thinking, beyond the consoles, what games had a huge impact on the video game world. Consequently, I have compiled, in no particular order, my personal list of the top 1o video games of all time (both PC and console).

It was a very difficult selection process that required perhaps 10 minutes of my time. Unfortunately, some very good games did not make the cut (such as Smurfs the video game and Snoopy vs the Red Baron), and I don't want these games to feel inadequate. They are still good games, and they will always a have special place in my heart...just not quite as special.

Super Mario Brothers - SMB defined the modern video game. The Atari 2600 was cool and all, but this was really the first home console game where you didn't have to take on faith that that yellow square was in fact a person. Other key innovations: there were levels with objectives, and the game actually ended at some point (as opposed to repeating indefinitely but with everything going faster). It also spawned a family of sequels and spin-offs as well as a not-so-great television show and breakfast cereal. What I learned from this game: it's okay to eat the mushrooms that I find outside and the punch a brick wall with a bare fist.
Ninja Gaiden - This was really the pinnacle of the third person scrolling game. The second was probably the best of the series with just the right level of difficulty. What I learned: Climbing walls and carrying a samurai sword are cool, and if you concentrate hard enough, you can shoot fireballs out of your hands.
X-Wing - I think this was perhaps the best flight simulator of its time. I use the term simulator loosely because it did not simulate any laws of physics that I know of, but it was in the style of a flight simulator. Big positives: it did away with that pesky ground that you could crash into and took fighter combat into six degrees of freedom. (Those pesky star destroys could jump in from below and surprise you!). The missions were well thought out and balanced, and I think the game had a lot to do with reviving the Star Wars franchise in the early 90s. What I learned: Luke Skywalker was a pussy!
Doom - Wolfenstein 3D introduced the first person shooter, but Doom took it to the next level. One of the most popular video games of all time, it developed many of the features that define the first person shooter today. What I learned: apparently the moons of Mars have a breathable atmosphere and Earth-like gravity.
Starcraft - Perhaps one the greatest games of all time, 1o years later I still play Starcraft. It is so big in South Korea that they still have tournaments. It is definitely the most perfectly balanced RTS game ever made. I have a lot of fond memories of Starcraft from college. Mike D loved it so much that he wanted to go as an SCV for Halloween. What I learned from Starcraft: the 120s suite sucks at Starcraft.
Halo - If Doom made the first person shooter popular, Halo perfected it. Even better, Halo 2 made Internet gameplay practical. It also introduced a new religion to an unsuspecting public. What I learned: I must find and activate the sacred rings so that their divine wind will propel me on the great journey!
Street Fighter - I'll admit it. I sucked at Street Fighter. But I cannot deny the impact that it had. Everyone played street fighter, and everyone was better than me at it. What I learned: I suck at Street Fighter.
Myst - Probably the best game where absolutely nothing happens. You can't talk to anyone. You can't shoot anyone, but it was amazingly popular. What I learned: Nothing.
Super Mario Cart - Sure there were a lot of racing games, but did those game allow you to fire turtle shells at your opponents? I think not! I especially enjoyed battle mode. What I learned: Go carts can be fun when you throw turtles at each other.
Pac-Man - It's a classic. I'm not really sure what the back story is with Pac-Man, but I think it might be a metaphor for our consumer driven society. What I learned: Pizza Hut has a Pac-Man.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2007-04-18T21:20:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I was having trouble sleeping, so I was up late flipping channels on the TV when I happened to catch a movie from my childhood, The Last Starfighter. It had been many years since I saw this film, but let me say it was outstanding.

As with most stories derived from the modern western mythos, The Last Starfighter is allegory for the story of Jesus Christ. In the film, the Christ figure is Alex Rogan a young man with humble beginnings. Alex grew up in a trailer park, the modern equivalent to a manger, and his mother is single, clearly implying an immaculate conception. As with Jesus, when Alex comes of age he embarks on a journey that results is the salvation of all mankind. Of course, instead of dying on the cross in a symbolic sacrifice to absolve humanity of its sin, the Christ figure in the Last Starfighter saves humanity in a very literal sense by taking the controls of a starfighter and gunning down waves of marauding space aliens. Other than that it is pretty much the same.

Some other interesting features of the film: Centauri represents John the Baptist who initiates Alex into the ministry of God (i.e. the Starfighters). And Grig, Alex's scaly, green navigator and faithful companion is, of course, St. Peter. Interestingly, biblical scholars have discovered that some of the gnostic gospels describe Peter as being scaly and green...A coincidence?

Unfortunately, this otherwise delightful film was marred by the anti-semitic overtones that permeate most works of the conservative Christian community. The Kodan Armada, the evil horde of space aliens bent on destroying the Star League and killing Alex, clearly represents the Jews. By logical extension, Xur represents Pontius Pilate. Despite the fact that most modern biblical scholars believe some of the most vitriolic and anti-semitic passages in the bible were late additions to the text, these views continue to taint and blemish works with otherwise positive and uplifting messages such as the The Passion of the Christ and The Last Starfighter.

Still not convinced that the film is a Christian allegory? I will provide irrefutable proof. First examine the name Alex. If we count the number of letters in the word "Alex," we find that there are four. There are also exactly four gospels in the new testament. Even more telling, the name Grig. If we remove the letters 'G', 'r', 'i', and 'g' and replace them with 'P', 'e', 't', 'e', and 'r' we get "Peter," the name of Christ's apostle. So you see, it is pretty obvious.

There is one thing I can't figure out, though. What role does the Zando-Zan play? So please, watch The Last Starfigher so we can get to the bottom of this.

The Candy Bowl Strikes Back!

2007-04-11T09:12:00.000-04:00

Back in January, I wrote an entry describing my search for a new arch-nemesis. Shortly after I wrote this entry, I realized that I did, in fact, already have a new arch-nemesis. It is a vile and despicable arch-nemesis, one that thwarts me at every turn. It is the office candy bowl! Several months ago I realized that if I wanted to win more bar fights, I would have to get down to my "fighting weight." In an effort to do so, I tried to determine where my excess calories were coming from. I quickly realized that the candy bowl was probably a major contributor. You see the candy bowl has a special property. It is bottomless. No matter how much candy I eat, more seems to appear. And who can resist candy?! I decided I would fight temptation and no longer eat from the candy bowl. Instead I would bring a healthy piece of fruit with me to work in order to stave of snack cravings. This worked for a time, but then the candy bowl struck back! It filled itself with delicious peanut butter cups. The combination of chocolate and peanut butter proved irresistible, and I once again fell victim it to its power. I knew at that point that there was only one thing to be done. The candy bowl must be destroyed. But how? It was far too powerful to approach directly. To destroy the bowl would first require eating all of the candy in the bowl so as to empty it. But if I ate all of the candy, I would probably be too sick to destroy the bowl. It seems the bowl had thought of everything. It was at this point that fate intervened. Someone else broke the candy bowl! I seemed that I was free at last. But it was not to be. The next day a new, larger candy bowl appeared...

A User's Guide to Blogs

2007-04-01T14:20:00.000-04:00

I must say that I am a tad bit disappointed in my readers out there on the Internets. I have been writing increasingly inflammatory entries in the hopes of spawning some response or discussion, yet I am typically greeted with silence. I have accused Mike D of and Bruce of playing with My Little Ponies, I have accused Mike D of burning down an orphanage, I claimed that I have eaten poster paint and punched Henry Kissinger, and most recently I claimed that Rob has been jailed for a sex crime. But the only spurious claim that I have made that has garnered an outraged response was asserting that Ben attended a Hall and Oates concert. What's with you people? I think it is perhaps my fault for not explaining to everyone how these things are supposed to work. Consequently, I will attempt to remedy this shortcoming via this entry. It will provide practical guidance on how you should respond when I post an entry.

Here's how it works. First, I will post a witty, thought provoking entry. Now this is the part where you all come in. You all read the entry, and then post your thoughts and opinions as comments on the blog entry. In fact, there is a "Comment" hyperlink just for this purpose. Now blog comments follow a very specific sequence. It should start out with a series of non-inflammatory, yet uninformed opinions that preferably fall on both "sides" of the issue at hand. Then someone takes it too far and makes an outrageous statement. This person does so because they think that they stating what everyone is thinking but are too afraid to say. It turns out that this not what everyone is thinking, and the personal insults begin. This is really the best part of a discussion thread! People who may not even know each other say abhorrent things about each other that they would never dare say face-to-face. Once the insults start flying, the peacemaker steps in and tries to calm everyone down. This person will ask everyone to stop the personal attacks as they are merely embarrassing themselves and to try to keep comments to a calm and rational discussion of the issue at hand. At this point someone will make some reference to the Nazis or Hitler, and the discussion just dies. This person will think they are very clever for seeing the parallels between other people's opinions and behavior and Nazi Germany, but really they are not. Since there is really no place to go after the Hitler bomb is dropped, the discussion thread has reached its successful conclusion.

This is the kind of response I would like to see to each of my blog entries, and to facilitate it, I will assign some roles. I don't want anyone to feel limited to the role that they have been assigned as this is just to get the ball rolling.

Rob and Sarah B.: I would like you each to take a diametrically opposed position on the topic at hand. But I want everyone to understand that our public school system has failed in that each of your opinions will be half-thought out and woefully uniformed.

Ben: Take things too far. Extremist should be understatement. I want you to shock and appall the other readers, yet be hurt when others don't agree with your opinion.

Mike D: Let the insults fly. This is your time to shine. Really let Ben have it!

Rob: Try to calm everyone down. Once they see that there is no point to fighting they will stop...right?

Mike D: Insult Rob.

Dave: You're our closer. The Nazi reference should be stretched yet obvious at the same time. For example, any discussion of free speech limitations invariable leads to a Nazi reference. We all know it is a bit of stretch given the context, yet we all know it's coming.

I hope that everyone will dive in and enjoy themselves in their new roles. And I want emphasize that creative stupidity is what I am after. I want you to make me cringe for the future of humanity. I think that this will make the blog experience more enjoyable for all of us!

Taking a Bite Out of Crime

2007-03-27T20:33:00.000-04:00

Sure, anyone who has met my dog Rummy knows that he is multi-talented. You are probably already aware of his ability to dig holes and his penchant for finding creative places to urinate. But were you aware that he can solve crimes?! Thanks to Rummy's vigilance and hard work, our community is now a safer place. To illustrate my point, here is a conversation I had with him just a few short weeks ago.

Rummy: "Bark! Bark!"
Me: "What is it boy?"
Rummy: "Bark! Bark!"
Me: "Trouble? What kind of trouble?"
Rummy: "Bark! Bark!"
Me: "You saw REDACTED masturbating? Oh no!"
Rummy: "Whimper. Whimper."
Me: "You're right, Rummy. That is a crime against God...and a felony in the state of Georgia."
Rummy: "Bark! Bark"
Me: "Yes, the best place for him is jail. That way he'll be safe from self-abuse, sodomy, and other forms of extramarital sexual deviation. Good work, I'll call the police right away!"

If fact, REDACTED's indiscretion turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg. Rummy went on to uncover a whole ring of serial "self-abusers." The community was so grateful that they held a parade in his honor and the governor even gave him a medal.

Ha! Take that dog who rescues children that fall down wells! You didn't even get a parade!

We're Number 4!!!

2007-03-11T21:08:00.000-04:00

I hope you all don't mind if I take a brief respite from my usual format of augmented reality. In turns out that today, reality requires no augmentation. Virginia is a #4 seed in the NCAA tournament! I must admit that after our EXTREMELY disappointing loss to NC State in the second round of the ACC tournament I was very concerned that we would be knocked down to a 6 or 7 seed. Perhaps the situation was somewhat mitigated by the fact that NC State beat Duke to reach us, beat VT after us, and then gave UNC a run for its money in the final. We have been given a golden opportunity here, and I hope we take advantage of it. There is some danger. Eventhough we play a 13 seed, Albany, in the opening round, Virginia has been known to occasionally fall apart in the face of a vastly inferior opponent (case in point, Appalachian State). And if Reynolds continues his shooting slump we could be in serious trouble. But maybe, if we free ourselves of the ACC refs and their superfluous foul calls, we might be able to do some damage in this tournament. I will be happy if we reach the sweet 16...of course, I will be happier if we get further, but let's not get greedy. With that said, on to the trash talking.

HA, Albany! You think you're so cool. Perhaps you don't realize that you are facing the finest men's basketball team that the University of Virginia has ever fielded this season (well excluding the Wesley foundation intramural team). And your mascot, the Great Danes, please...wait a minute. That's a pretty good mascot. Great Danes are pretty big dogs. It might hurt a lot if one bit you, and last I time I checked our Cavalier doesn't even carry a real sword. Oh shit! We're screwed! That dog is going to bite us in the ass, and we won't be able to make any free throws after the inevitable flagrant foul call.

I'm not very good at this...maybe I should just leave the trash talking up to Mike D.

New Blog

2007-03-04T12:57:00.000-05:00

Sarah B has decided to share her blog with the rest of us. I have linked it on the sidebar. Since she is new to the list and a frequent commenter on this blog, she will be spared the rating scheme for now.

If I Could Turn Back Time...

2007-03-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

The other day I was thinking about that hit Cher song, "If I Could Turn Back Time." You know that 80's song where Cher is in a see-through costume straddling a battleship cannon in the video. Anyway, that made me think about what I would do if I could turn back time. I think that the tone of the song definitely focuses on regrets. What are my regrets? I certainly regret eating that entire carton of poster paint about an hour ago, or the time I punched Henry Kissinger in the face. He was just a defenseless old man even if he was being a jerk. But I think if you are going to go to the effort to turn back time, an impressive feat by any measure, the regret you remedy had better be a little less trivial. You know, like the time that Mike D burned down that orphanage, that would certainly be an event worthy of turning back time so you can get a "redo." Of course, I'm not sure that he really regrets that anyway. He is quite tall. But what about me? I never burned down an orphanage or attended a Hall and Oates concert (like Ben did). I guess that just means that anything I might regret is too trivial to waste the time machine I just invented on. Instead, I think I am just going to travel about week back in time and short the entire Hong Kong stock exchange...Now on to the second line of that Cher song, "If I could reach the stars, " now that's just ridiculous!

Redemption?...Maybe

2007-03-01T20:01:00.000-05:00

Rob has updated his blog! We should all rejoice. At just shy of two months since his last update, he was about to be downgraded to "Appalling." Instead, he will remain at "Disappointing." Of course, the update was about updating, which is a little questionable given theme of his blog. However, my update about his update about updating seems to fit nicely with the theme of my blog. Absurdity is so flexible!

A Public Service

2007-02-19T20:58:00.000-05:00

Some of my readers have been complaining about the lack of updates to certain other blogs which I will not name here. I will, however, name them right here: Mike D's and Rob's. Mike D's last update was Jan. 25th and Rob's last update was Jan. 8th! These unnamed readers have complained that it doesn't seem worth it to even check their blogs most of the time because the updates are so infrequent. Now to be fair to Mike and Rob, the premise of their blogs somewhat limits their updatability, reality. If they were to lessen their dependence on actual events to supply their blog topics, I think they would find that they would have a great deal more to write about. Be that as it may, I am going to help out my readers by posting the update status of Mike and Rob's blogs on the side bar of my blog. That way interested parties can simply check my blog to find out when they should check other blogs. Everyone wins. As part of the notification process, I will use a five point rating scheme to qualitatively classify the update frequency of each monitored blog.

Exemplary
Adequate
Disappointing
Appalling
Criminal

If level 5, Criminal, is reached, I will have no choice but to notify the authorities. Level 5 indicates that blog negligence has reached a level at which the health and safety of the blog are in question, and the blog must be remanded to foster care. Fortunately, Mike and Rob have not yet reached this level, they are merely disappointing.

Aloha!

2007-02-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

What a great vacation! Amanda and I recently got back from a trip to Hawaii, and it was awesome!

While we participated in a lot of cool activities, probably the most fun was learning to surf. Amanda, of course, is already an excellent surfer, and she decided to teach me how. Here is a picture of my first surfing lesson.

Amanda has been surfing for a long time, but she has been experiencing confidence problems ever since she was injured a few years back. She hit her head on some coral, and it wasn't pretty. Fortunately, her friends have been trying to help her overcome her fears.

While we were there, Amanda participated in a big wave surfing competition, and look at the wave she caught.
While she didn't win the competition, she did a get sponsorship contract with Billabong.

Pretty cool, huh? I can't wait to go back again. I'm sure we'll have even more great adventures. Of course, given how much fun we had on our Hawaiian vacation, I'm sure that others will copy us and schedule vacations to Hawaii also.

The Care and Feeding of Engineers

2007-02-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

My wife Amanda has a penchant for reading pirate themed romance novels. Anyone who knows Amanda is hardly surprised by this fact. Somehow, I can't help but feel that my chosen profession, engineering, is disappointing to her and, in fact, all women everywhere. It seems that engineering is not generally considered a "romantic" occupation, but I feel that if someone were to reveal the steamier side of engineering, such biased perceptions could be overwhelmed by the raw sex appeal of the engineer. Allow me to demonstrate my point. The following is the back cover description of pirate-themed romance novel, The Care and Feeding of Pirates, by Jennifer Ashley. It is perhaps one of the finest-titled books of all time.

The Woman: Honoria Ardmore was as prim and proper as they came. Her sole moment of indiscretion was four years ago, when she fell for the sinful smile of a roguish pirate. But he had died, and their secret marriage went to the grave with him. At least, that's what she assumed--until the night he showed up in her bedroom, eager to pick up where they had left off...

The Man: Christopher Raine had managed to cheat death, and he believed life owed him his just rewards. So he set out to reclaim the woman of his dreams. With her apple-green eyes and luscious figure, Honoria looked good enough to eat. And this insatiable pirate was not one to let a trivial detail like her fiance to get in the way of dessert.

The Deal: Despite her undeniable desire, Honoria claimed she could not be with a man she did not truly love. And so they struck a deal: She would allow Christopher to seduce her every night of their voyage across the Atlantic. If by the end of their journey he had failed to navigate his way into her heart, she was free to leave. In the cozy confines of their cabin, Honoria was about to learn that a woman should never doubt the cunning ways of a pirate with a plan.

Now I will show you how I can covert this story to an alluring engineer-themed romance. Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you The Care and Feeding of Engineers!

The Woman: Honoria Ardmore was as prim and proper as they came. Her sole moment of indiscretion was four years ago, when she fell for the sinful smile of a roguish engineer. But he had died in World of Warcraft, and their secret marriage went to the grave with him. At least, that's what she assumed--until the night he showed up in her chatroom, eager to pick up where they had left off...

The Man: Christopher Raine had managed to clear his action items, and he believed the company owed him some flex time So he set out to reclaim the woman of his dreams. With her apple-green eyes and luscious figure, Honoria looked good enough to eat. And this insatiable engineer was not one to let a non-binding constraint like her fiance to get in the way of dessert.

The Deal: Despite his impressive mastery of Monty Python quotations, Honoria claimed she could not be with a man she did not truly love. And so they struck a deal: She would allow Christopher to brief her every night of their business trip across Ohio with a series of Power Point presentations. If by the end of their journey he had failed to integrate his way into her heart, she was free to leave. In the cozy confines of their rental Chevy, Honoria was about to learn that a woman should never doubt the cunning ways of a engineer with a plan.

Pretty steamy, huh?

Arch Nemesis

2007-01-27T12:59:00.000-05:00

I feel lost and directionless. I have been without an arch-nemesis for over two years now. I need a worthy adversary on which to focus my energies. There can be no hero without a villain, and I have lost my villain. As some you may know, I used to have an arch-nemesis when I lived in Washington. It was the RAV-4 people. The RAV-4 people lived in my apartment complex and drove a Toyota RAV-4. As I have learned from movies based on comic books (since I don't actually read comic books), every villain has an origins story. So the RAV-4 people also have an origins story, and it is simply this. One day I decided I needed an arch-nemesis. I looked out the window of my apartment and saw the RAV-4 sitting in the parking lot and declared that whoever drives that RAV-4 is my arch-nemesis. It turned out that the car belonged to a young married couple that I think lived somewhere above us. They constantly plotted and schemed against me. Sometimes we would pass them outside, and they would smile at us and say, "hello" in a very insidious manner. The nerve! I would plan my own counter strikes to thwart there evil plots. Like one day they were planning to ambush me on my way to work, but I have sixth sense about these things and anticipated their fiendish plan. To thwart it, I called in sick and stayed home from work. Ha! Foiled again RAV-4 people! Is that the best you've got?! Apparently, it wasn't because shortly after that my car stereo got stolen. Supposedly, there was group of teenagers going around and stealing car stereos, but I know it was the RAV-4 people. They were just using the car stereo crime wave as cover to get back at me!

But alas, when I moved to Atlanta I left the RAV-4 people behind. For a time, I was sure that they would follow me here. Surely, I thought, they needed me just as much as I needed them. Sometimes I would see a white RAV-4, and I would run it off the road with my car just to see if it was them...but it never was. So now I need to pick a new arch-nemesis. Looking around the parking lot of my new apartment complex there are no particular cars that raise my ire. There is a Volvo that I find slightly annoying but not enough to declare its owner my arch-nemesis.

There is a void in my soul and I feel compelled to fill it. If only I could find a new arch-nemesis. I implore you, my readers, to help me find a new arch-nemesis. To get the ball rolling, here are some suggestions.

The double traffic light at the I-75 entrance ramp I have to use every day - To get onto the highway you have to go through a sequence of two traffic lights. When the first one goes green, the second one goes red. That means that I almost always have to wait at both. The pro: its really damn annoying. The con: It's kind of a one trick pony. Once I hatch my plan to start running the first red light, I don't think that it will be able to come up with a new way to thwart me.
Governor Sunny Perdue - He has threatened to veto any bill by the Georgia state legislature to repeal the Sunday blue law. The pro: he is governor of an entire state, and consequently, has control of the entire apparatus of government which he can throw at me. That includes the state police, the national guard, and the GBI. A worthy adversary, indeed. The con: I don't think he knows who the hell I am, and thus, it is unlikely that he will attempt to steal my car stereo or impede my trips to the park.
Publix -this grocery store chain rarely stocks the appropriate range of hot peppers I need to make chili for chili-wine tasting. The pro: They're everywhere I look. That can't be a coincidence! The con: it's a grocery store...how lame.

So please, readers, help me out. I need a new arch-nemesis so I can focus myself on an epic battle of wit and will.

It's a Rainy Day

2007-01-22T20:53:00.000-05:00

It's been raining a lot lately. One could sit inside and be bemoan the dreary weather, or one could engage in the one activity the rain was made for...spin outs! I like to pick a wide road where I can get up to high speed, like I-75, for instance. The key is to make good use of your parking break. Once you get going fast enough, you spin your wheel hard over and engage the parking break. If you do it right, you spin around and around! The other day, I was able to spin out my car 3 or 4 times before the police showed up. When the police officer asked me why I was spinning out my car on I-75 in the middle of rush hour, I explained to him that I was far too drunk to be responsible for my actions. You see in Georgia it's okay to drive drunk as long at it's not Sunday. He warned me not to do it again, and to be sure that I drove home safely. He also confiscated the bottle of vodka I had in the car. After I drove off, I thought about doing a few more spin-outs, but then I figured that I had better get Rob's car back before he realized it was missing.

The Care Bear Stare

2007-01-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

Does everyone remember the Care Bears?
In case you don't remember, Wikipedia has a very extensive and informative entry on them. Well, they had a very effective tactic for combating villains called the Care Bear Stare. As described by Wikipedia, "The Care Bears' ultimate "weapon" is the "Care Bear Stare", in which the collected Bears stand together and radiate light from their respective tummy symbols, combining to form a ray of love and good cheer which could bring care and joy into the target's heart." That sounds pretty flaky to me, but having seen the Care Bear movies, I cannot deny the efficacy of the tactic. So I thought, why can't I do my own "Stare?" First, I painted a large white circle on my belly, but at first I was at a loss as to what symbol to choose for myself. Then I thought to myself, if symbols of cheer and joy triggered feelings of love and caring in vicitims of the stare, then logically, wouldn't negative symbols trigger fear, hate, and intimidation. So, with that in mind, I painted a picture of Mike D on the white circle.

To test my theory, I decided to go downtown and walk around bad neighborhoods until I was accosted. It took a while, but finally it happened. As I walked down a dark alley, I heard a voice behind me say, "Give me your wallet." I glanced over my shoulder and saw two thuggish looking men holding knives. This was the moment of truth. I turned around and raised my shirt, exposing the my white painted stomach with the picture of Mike D on it. I looked directly at my assailants and said, "Care Bear Stare!" and stared at them as hard as I could. Even though no light radiated from my belly, which I found mildly disappointing, it still seemed to work since they got this really creeped out look on their faces and started to back away slowly. Success!!

I can't wait to try this out in other situations. The next time I go out to a strip club with Usher I am going to paint a $20 bill on my stomach, and then maybe I can get a lap dance for free!

Warning!!

2007-01-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

This is a warning to all of my readers. The McIntosh Yankee Candle may look and smell delicious, but DO NOT EAT IT! It tastes nothing like apples. The same thing goes for the Cranberry Chutney. The Pineapple Paradise is pretty good, though.

Christmas Update

2007-01-03T22:36:00.000-05:00

Amanda and I have received a large number of Christmas cards, many of which contain letters summarizing the senders' eventful year. This has served to remind us of our negligence in including our own Christmas letter in outgoing Christmas cards. To remedy this oversight, I will post the Christmas letter we would have sent had we not been so indolent.

Dear Relative\Friend\Acquaintance\Arch-Nemesis,

Amanda and I have had yet another eventful year. Things started out quietly since we had a realtively mild winter. The worst we had was light dusting. I spent most of the spring studying, and Amanda persevered in her job with the county government. Since we have been in Georgia for over two years now, we are really starting to get into the local culture. A favorite pastime here is "Baptize the Heathen." This is really fun game where you drag a non-Christian out of his or her home in the middle of night, take them to the river and hold them under water until they admit that they worship a false god and accept the one true religion as defined by the Southern Baptist Convention or various self-appointed non-denominational evangelical Christian leaders. Note that Catholics and Episcopalians count as heathens.

When I am not playing "Baptize the Heathen" I like to frequent the strip clubs. These abound in Atlanta. My favorite is "Girls R Fun." This year I have only been stabbed twice there! For her part, Amanda continues to drink heavily, which is probably for the best since she can be a real bitch when she's sober. Sometimes we throw things at each other until someone calls the police. We always have a good laugh after that because we aren't really angry. We just like to frighten the neighbors! Of course, I think Amanda really has more fun with this game than me because I'm the one who has to spend the night in jail.

One big event! Rob and Sarah moved down here this summer and now live just down the street from us. It has really been great since they moved down here. Rob doesn't have a locking gas cap on his car, so I haven't bought gas in six months. Sarah got a job at one of the strip clubs here and is really enjoying herself. Rob tells everyone he is here attending grad school but he really just spends all day downtown robbing tourists, a surprisingly lucrative occupation.

Well, that's about all I can say about this year! Here to an exciting 2007!

Merry Christmas,

Mike and Amanda

Clip Show

2006-12-19T13:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I am 14 entries in. Time for a clip show. Well, since I don't have any clips on my blog, I have assembled clips from other sources. The key is that I get an entry with very little effort on my part by leveraging old material.

First, The Onion has a parody of the President's weekly radio address. Most of the time it is pretty stupid, but every now and then it's pretty hysterical. Here are some of my favorites:

The President and Vice President sing Christmas carols
The President finds new meaning in Easter
The President celebrates Father's Day
John Kerry tells jokes

Second, while SNL has been sucking it up the last few years, they have occasional moments. When those moments occur, NBC gets very excited and posts them on the Internet. This clip from last season was flying around the Internet so there is a good chance that you have seen it already, but just in case you haven't here's Lazy Sunday. This past Saturday Justin Timberlake hosted, and he and Andy Samberg did a music video ala Color Me Bad. Here's A Special Box.

Finally, what would a collection of Internet clips be without one from the Colbert Report? Here is one of the videos from the Green Screen Challenge.
Stephen vs. Darth Maul

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

2006-12-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I admit that I have been a little light on updates to my blog recently, but I was working feverishly all last week to get ready for my annual Christmas party. As most of you know it was last night, and those of you who didn't make it really missed out. It was star studded event, and many local Atlanta celebrities attended including Usher, TI, T-Boz (from TLC), Elton John, Outkast, Collective Soul, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, and former President Jimmy Carter. There was an door charge, but it was all for a good cause. All of the proceeds (minus party expenses, of course) are going to the Human Fund. I think we all had a lot of fun. We played Charades and Usher won, of course. Here is a picture of me and my pal Usher.

We had a secret Santa gift exchange as well. I had Elton John. For the longest time I could not think of what to get him, but I finally settled on a new earring. Here is a picture of me and Elton John.

While overall the party was a big success, there was a little tension throughout the evening. As some of you may have heard, Whitney and Bobby separated recently. Unfortunately, the invitations for this event were sent out well before the separation occurred. Since they are both such good friends, they decided to attend anyway. Even though they spent most of the evening staying on opposite sides of the house, they eventually set aside their differences and embraced the Christmas spirit as they joined us all in trimming the Christmas tree.

To wrap up the evening, we sang some Christmas carols. Since we had such a magnificent assembly of musical talent, we spontaneously decided to record our caroling using the recording studio I have in my house. We will be releasing the CD shortly, and all of proceeds will be going to charity to help out underpaid NBA players who are just trying to feed their families.

Mission Accomplished!

2006-12-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

Mission Accomplished! My sources have revealed that the alien invasion movie I received earlier is really just a preview for the video game Halo 3. There is no alien invasion after all. So I just have one thing to say to my critics, "In your face!" My strategy of imprisoning Muslim extremists and alien sympathizers was so effective that the aliens' plan never made it past the video game stage. While this is a great victory over our chili craving alien adversaries, we should not allow complacency to weaken our resolve. On the contrary, the apparent efficacy of the measures taken suggest that they should be expanded until there is zero chance of an alien invasion. Consequently, I am taking steps to expand my detention program. Furthermore, I am also starting a program to collect and destroy all of the wine, chili, and NKOTB CDs in my neighborhood. These precious items are just too tempting to the aliens, and they will not stop until they have them. Thus, the safest course is for no one to have them. While I will miss sampling wine and chili to the melancholy strains of "Cover Girl," we must all make sacrifices in the struggle against the aliens.

Treason!!

2006-12-07T17:57:00.000-05:00

Some have expressed concern over my tactics in the campaign against the aliens. Well, what are you for? Chili and Wine or the aliens? Why should we go soft on alien sympathizers? Look, this is all very simple, and I will explain it to you morons so you can understand. Since our president started his campaign of imprisoning Muslims and suspending our civil liberties, we have not had one single alien invasion. Then those "liberals" started making noise about unfair imprisonment, and the President was forced to close the secret prisons. Even worse, Democrats gained control of Congress in the recent midterm elections. This revealed our weakness, and what happens? Alien invasion, of course. Since the president is obviously not man enough to carry our his sacred duty to protect our chili, wine, and NKOTB CDs, someone had to step up to the plate. It was only with great reluctance that I stepped into this role of self-appointed savior. And as such I consider any dissent with my approach treason, and anyone who objects will be thrown into the detention center along with Rob!

Sorry, Rob

2006-12-06T08:48:00.000-05:00

It is with great regret that I must inform you all that Rob has been taken into custody. A local neighborhood warlord (the fourth grader that lives down the street from me) has identified Rob as a Muslim extremist and alien supporter. Consequently, he has captured Rob and turned him over to me to be held in a detention center I have constructed in my backyard. In exchange, I have provided this warlord with weapons and funds to aid in our fight against the aliens. I'm sure he'll use them responsibly. As for Rob, he has been resistive so far, but really his choices are simple. He can either provide information regarding the alien invasion, or he can resist. If he does the former, he may be shown leniency in his subsequent trial before a jury of me. If he does the latter, he will be forced to listen to OTown music until he admits his guilt. I mean, I find the fact that he provided me with the link to the alien invasion movie in the first place a little suspicious. Don't you? So there is really no reason for him to continue his futile claims of innocence. Regardless, he will be treated fairly, and I am sensitive to the needs of Muslims. As such, he has been provided with a Koran and Kosher dill pickles.

Alien Invasion!!

2006-12-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

Rob sent me a link this morning to a very disturbing video. It can be found at the following link: Alien Invasion Video. Apparently, aliens have invaded earth and and it seems from the video that we have sent only one solider to fight them (Probably because most of our troops are allocated to higher priority missions in Iraq). This video looks far too real to have been faked. While it appears that this soldier has two guns rather than one, I am not giving him good odds of success. While I am not sure where on earth this invasion occurred (I'm pretty sure it's not my backyard, I checked), I am taking all necessary precautions. I think we can only assume that the aliens have invaded to seize our chili and wine stocks as well as our NKOTB CDs, and I am taking all necessary steps to defend them. While I don't own a gun, I have taken a 2 by 4 and hammered a nail through one end. I have also constructed an admittedly crude energy shield from parts found in my microwave (Amanda's going to be pissed when she sees what I did to our microwave). This shield should be effective in protecting my chili and wine stocks from their ray guns. I also figure the Muslims must have something to do with this, so I am going to go through my neighborhood and rounding up any Muslims and holding them until they tell me everything they know about this alien invasion. You know what, I had better play it safe and round up everyone who looks central Asian. Our chili, wine, NKOTB CDs must be protected! Of course, if push comes to shove, I would be willing to placate our alien overlords by giving them 52 of my 73 copies of the NKOTB album Hanging Tough.

Deeply Sorry

2006-12-03T23:49:00.000-05:00

I just want to apologize for the last blog entry that I posted. It was insulting and uncalled for. Sometimes I just get carried away, and for that I am sorry. It was wrong of me to imply that warts are synonymous with being evil. Though I must point out it was Mike and Bruce's game, not mine. Even so, I should not have encouraged them to lead a pony assault on a warty faced and probably innocent woman.

My Little Pony

2006-12-03T20:00:00.000-05:00

I am outraged and upset! Everyone needs to stop making fun of Mike D and Bruce!!! Just because they like My Little Pony is no reason to mock them. It is perfectly normal for two heterosexual males in their late 20s to play together with My Little Pony. You know we all do things that others might make fun of, and we should consider that before we belittle others. Take me for example. Sometimes I like to watch sports and have a few beers. Some people might look down on that. Well, they are just going to have to learn that everyone is different, and that's what makes us special. So what if Mike D and Bruce like to play with My Little Pony for 36 straight hours and then drink cough syrup until they pass out. That's just who they are, and we should accept that. So you go Mike D and Bruce, and you save the My Little Ponies from the evil Queen Wartyface!

The Sophisticated Palate

2006-11-29T17:55:00.000-05:00

As you all may have noticed wine and cheese tasting has become all the rage in America. How very bourgeois. Any clod can pretend to sample and appreciate fine wines and cheeses. Those with a truly sophisticated palate, however, taste their wine with chili. Chili and wine tasting is popular among the elite in both the United States and Europe. At state dinners in France, one will often find a glass of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild served with a bowl of meaty chili. Appropriately pairing the complex flavors of chili with the right wine can be very challenging. So to help out my readers I am providing a list of recommended chili-wine parings. Cheers.

Château Lafite Rothschild - Uncle Pete's Texas Fire Chili
Château Mouton Rothschild - Captain Jack's Black Bean Chili
Château Margaux - Big Louie's Meaty Chili
Château Cheval Blanc - Tiny Tim's Turkey Chili

And for those of you on a budget...

Arbor Mist Strawberry Sensation - Wendy's Chili

Feeling a Little Tired

2006-11-26T19:05:00.000-05:00

I have to apologize to my readers. I have just gotten back from a long trip, and I am feeling too tired to write a new entry. So instead I am going to plagiarize an entry from Rocky Mountain Wahoos. This is a pretty good one about a trash can.

The $20 dollar trashcan...

The reason I put this in is because when searching for a trash can at BB&B (in the Beyond section) I was totatlly miffed at the cost of trash cans. We ended up getting the cheapest one for $20 (which I thought was a still somewhat expensive), however they went up to $180 (check the link if you're skeptical). It is stainless steel, but for God's sake, I paid less for the grill which I COOK AND EAT OFF OF. I just wouldn't think you'd want to get something that expensive dirty with say, your GARBAGE.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

2006-11-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhhhhh! The monster! It's Katherine Harris! And it tried to eat my dog! My motion sensor camera must of worked because this is the picture that it captured. I don't know what the hell it wants, but I need to get it out from under my bed. Now I am definitely going to have nightmares. Does anyone know how I can get rid of this thing?

There is a monster under my bed...

2006-11-19T16:58:00.000-05:00

There is a monster under my bed. Amanda says there isn't, but I don't believe her. Rob says there probably is, and he knows a lot about monsters. During the day, when it's safe, I look under the bed and don't see anything, but I know it's down there. One time an arm came out from under the bed and tried to grab my dog (Monsters like to eat dogs). I kicked the arm until it let go. It was very scary. I have a hard time falling asleep at night knowing that the monster is down there. I am going to hook up my camera with a motion sensor to see if I can get a picture of the monster when it comes out from underneath the bed. If get a picture, I will post it on the blog. Wish me luck.

Four Stars

2006-11-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

Well, as you all can see from the huge number of comments on my first two posts, my blog has been a big hit. The response has just been overwhelming! Besides all of the user comments, I have also received some exciting critical reviews. I don't want to brag, but here are some of the highlights.

"This blog is amazing! Four Stars!"
- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

"Two Thumbs Up!"
-Ebert and Roper

"It's a toot!"
-Ben Daring, The New Milford Times

"Get off my property before I call the police!"
-Joey McIntire, NKOTB

A Tribute to NKOTB

2006-11-14T22:41:00.000-05:00

So I was watching VH1 recently ('cause lets face it, I am pushing 30 and feeling that wave of 80's nostalgia) when something caught my attention. What catchy hooks!! What awesome dance moves!! What outstanding choreography!! I was entranced. Who has the right stuff?! NKOTB!! That's who! That's New Kids on the Block for the uninitiated. Oh how I have missed Joey, Jordan, T-Bone ,and the guy that looks like Mark Wahlberg. Where have they been all these years? How could they have broken up? Their studio written album sold millions of copies and meant so much to so many. I know it meant a lot to me. I have gone through some tough times in my life, but NKOTB has always gotten me through them. Whenever I was feeling disheartened and downtrodden, they would remind me that I have the "Right Stuff" and that I just needed to keep "Hanging Tough." I can't help but think that if maybe they had stuck around a little longer, I could have turned my life around and not ended up in maximum security prison. If only there had been another another all-male group to fill the void they left behind. I guess that NKOTB was like a shooting star. For a few brief moments they shined brightly, bringing joy and happiness into the lives of those who saw them...And had their collective mass been higher, they would have survived reentry and destructively impacted into the Earth's surface leaving a smoldering crater. I guess that was left to the Backstreet Boys.

I Promise...

2006-11-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

This entry represents my triumphant return to the Internet!!! As some of you may know, I used to have a web page many years ago that was a militia parody but decided to take it down after receiving too much hate mail. Apparently, if you don't realize that only children build forts and stage mock battles in the woods behind their houses, you are not mature enough to understand satire. Or perhaps they felt threatened by our mascot, Timmy the Tooth!! After all he does advocate good dental hygiene!! So , I have clearly learned my lesson, and this time I am going to be totally upfront about my intentions with this blog. As such, in my first entry I am going to lay out a series of promises I am making to my readers. They are as follows:

I promise that in the beginning this blog will be updated frequently. Then, as my enthusiasm wanes, posts will become more and more infrequent. Eventually, I will go several months without updating it. Then I will realize that I have been neglecting my blog and stage a brief comeback with a flurry of compensatory posts. Then the blog will just die altogether.
I promise that I will never let reality ruin a post.
I promise that this blog will be at least as good as Rocky Mountain Wahoos.
I promise that the title of this blog is definitely a lie.
I promise that I will never update while drinking (Note: immediately after drinking is allowable).

I could promise some more stuff, but I would rather keep expectations low. So now go forth and enjoy this blog because everything in it is completely true.