Everything in this Blog is Completely True!!!

Be Prepared!

2009-09-24T20:17:00.031-04:00

Though some of you may not believe it, once upon a time, I was, in fact, a Boy Scout. And what is the Boy Scout Motto? Be Prepared! What was I not during a recent hike in the Alps? You guessed it. Prepared. That is how, I regret to say, the mountain beat me.

But perhaps I should start from beginning. Not long ago Amanda and I were on vacation in Germany and Austria with Rob and Sarah. During part of this trip we stayed in the Leutasch Valley in Austria, and we allocated one day for hiking.

For those of you who have never been to the Alps, they are extremely steep...much steeper than the Rockies. Having been glaciated several times over the last 5 or so million years, they have been carved with deep valleys. For this reason, I had assumed that the mountain tops would be relatively inaccessible to amateur hikers such as ourselves. Consequently, I was anticipating an easy hike around the scenic valley floor, before I returned to drinking beer.

Amanda and I's complete inventory of hiking supplies when we set out: One bottle of water, a camera, two pairs of sunglasses, and a map.

As a general rule, I try to avoid doing things I will regret. But here are a few items I regret not bringing (Pay attention because these will be important later): Several liters of water, food, hiking poles, and sunscreen.

But I digress...we started out on bright sunny Alpen morning on trail that passed by our Pension (That's a bed and breakfast in Germany and Austria). The trail led through a cow pasture and into the forest.

Oh what a nice Alpen stream! This hike is easy so far.

After crossing the stream we reached a cross roads with several trail markers. Rob, Sarah, Amanda, and I began to contemplate which way we should go. We had a map, but that told us little about the quality of the hike. About that time, a helpful local came hiking up the path. Somehow, he knew immediately that we were tourists. Perhaps, he was very perceptive because I can't image what about our appearance would have pegged us as tourists.

He asked us where we were planning on hiking and if we had any questions. I looked at the signs at the crossroads. One trail in particular caught my attention.
"How about the Gehrenspitze? Is it difficult?," I asked.
"Do you mean difficult or dangerous?," he replied.
"Dangerous"
"No, it's not dangerous. Children do it"

He then proceeded to describe the trail in great detail (quite accurately, in fact). It sounded like a good hike, and if children could do it...Gehrenspitze it was. We hung a left at the cross roads and headed up.

I should pause here to briefly describe the hike we were attempting. The Gehrenspitze is the mountain that loomed directly over our hotel. It's peak is 2367 meters high (that's a little under 8000 feet). Not a huge mountain, but not too shabby either. The valley floor from which our journey began was at about 1000 meters (approximately 3000 feet). So we were attempting a climb of around 5000 feet over the distance of 7 or so kilometers. Not too bad.

The first part of the ascent was very steep with many switchbacks and, at times, stair-like. The trail was largely covered with loose rocks and gravel, a surface, which, I commented to Rob, would likely cause us difficulty on the descent. (It did).

Anyone who has been hiking with me knows my penchant for running up the sides of mountains and regretting it later. This hike was no different and we soon noticed that Amanda and I kept getting far ahead of Rob and Sarah. At this point, Rob, who had remembered the Boy Scout motto broke out the walkie-talkies that he had "liberated" from the Diehls. Each couple took radio and off we went.

After an hour or so, we finally broke out of the tree line into an Alpen meadow.

As you can see, we had entered a long valley between the two peaks. The Gehrenspitze is on the left. My best guess is that the bottom of the valley (where we are standing in the picture) is about 4000+ feet. The far end of the valley (way off in the distance) was marked at 2048 meters (about 6600 feet). Looking back the way we came, we had already hiked quite a distance.

During the summer, the farmers graze cattle and horses in these high altitude meadows.

Onward we climbed. After hiking a few hours, we looked back to see our progress.

We had come quite a ways. But we were starting to get hungry and thirsty, and we had drank about half of our water. Also Rob and Sarah were somewhere behind us in the valley. But I don't see them...do you? We had read that there were numerous huts on the trails in the Alps that actually served food. We looked at our map and saw that there was hut at the end the valley on the ridgeline. We wondered if it served food, or at least had water. We looked ahead up the valley.

If you look very, very closely there is a tiny bump on the left side of the "V" shape made by the ridge line against the sky. That was the hut. We radioed Rob that were making for the hut to find out whether or not it had food and water. Rob replied that they were not going to hike to hut until we verified that there was food. Our job was to radio back what we found.

It turned out that they next part of the hike was perhaps the hardest of all. The trail became very narrow and climbed rapidly to the ridge with not a few obstacles. Along the way we caught up with the helpful Austrian who initially described the trail to us. He asked us where our friends were. "I don't know. Somewhere back there." I pointed to the valley below. "They are not afraid, are they?," he asked. "No", I replied, "just slow."

Finally, after a great effort, we reached the ridge line. I was very hungry and thirsty (Amanda seemed to be fine). There were quite a few people picnicking at the crossroads there (and yes, there were small children). Now about that hut. Oh, look there it is...

But there seem to be a lot of cows hanging out there. I guess we had better investigate...oh, no ...ATTACK COW.

It was heading right for us. It marched right up to me, and stared. "I think it wants food or something," I suggested to Amanda. I tried to communicate with it. "I don't have any food, cow," I said. I wasn't sure if it understood English or not, but most of the people around here seem to, so it was worth a shot. The reply was swift, "MOOOOOO!!!" It was not happy. It gave me a look of utter contempt and headed for a family picnicking on a blanket. The woman there started yelling "I don't have anything" in German. The now sullen cow gave up and moved on.

We hiked up to the hut, to investigate. It was just a cow hut! It was used for storing hay for the cows or something like that! So we now we have no food, no water, and another 1ooo+ feet to climb to the peak. We radio back to Rob. The hut is a bust. He responds that he and Sarah are going to head back to the hotel. I realize that there is no way I am going to complete the hike without water (I probably could have made it without the food, though). Amanda and I decide to hike on a little further to something akin to a sub-peak to get some pictures.

It was definitely worth it. Here are some of the pictures we got.

Some more cows (with a view) taunting us:
The peak of the Gehrenspitze...taunting me. The little dot on the narrow trail through the grass is a hiker:

Amanda, ready to continue the ascent to the peak, mocking our weakness:

Some of the peaks nearby with glaciers:

Looking back the way we came:

Sarah asked us to take 360 degree video from the top, which we did. I was going to post it on this blog entry, but I am having trouble uploading it. I may try again later, and add it as a separate post.

So, after taking in the view for awhile we began the long descent. On the way down, we ran into the entire horse herd.

Shortly after passing the heard, we overtook Rob and Sarah. We hiked with them for a little bit, but I was extremely thirsty and wanted to get back to the hotel and get some water...food, too. Amanda and I hiked ahead again. When left valley and returned to the steep trail through the trees. My fears were realized. The loose rocks and gravel were treacherous, especially for legs that were already tired from a full day's hike. We slipped and slid numerous times, and I think I came close to breaking my toe once. Man, I wish I had brought hiking poles!

After a brutal descent through the forest, we finally made back to the hotel, where all we had to eat was a block of cheese. But the faucet in the bathroom sink produced plenty of water. Last but not least, Amanda noticed that my neck was sunburned. If only we had brought sunscreen!

Eventually Rob and Sarah finally returned as well. Everyone was exhausted (except for Amanda). But that's okay, Austria has the perfect cure for exhaustion after a long hike...beer!

Tummy Time

2009-07-26T19:52:00.000-04:00

Amanda says that the back of my head is getting flat. So now I have to do tummy time...It's so embarrassing.

Surviving in a Post-Trassie World

2009-05-11T22:06:00.005-04:00

Certain events in human history, while seemingly innocuous at the time of their occurrence, in retrospect, prove to be tipping points, triggering an inexorable sequence of events that change the world as we know it forever. Enter Stupid Shannon. Little is known about him. Cassie (the would-be authority) is nearly silent on the issue, and Traci will speak of him only in pejoratives. Regardless, his introduction has fractured a long-standing political alliance, the ramifications of which are only now becoming clear.

To understand the circumstances in which we find ourselves, we must look all the way back to the 2001 to 2002 time frame. At that time, a great migration was occurring. Recent graduates of UVa were leaving Charlottesville and settling in Washington, DC and the inner suburbs of Arlington and Fairfax. Life was good. From the restaurants of Reston to the bars of Clarendon, the locus of social existence was rooted firmly in the Fairfax-Arlington area. Of course Loudoun County existed back then, but it was a sparsely populated wasteland of farms and rustic villages.

At some point in this golden age, Rob and Mike met Trassie, hardly aware of the crucial role that Trassie would play in their future. At first, Trassie was believed to be a single person, but over time it was realized that Trassie was, in fact, two separate human beings locked in a symbiotic relationship. Traci provided all communication with the outside world while Cassie ensured that their clothes matched and memorized crucial steps in travel directions.

Shortly after this event, the great dispersion began. Amanda and I moved to Georgia. Some other people that Rob and Mike met and whose names I can't remember left as well. Dave went to live in the woods for six months and returned as a bearded and changed man. Now he is seldom seen. As part of Rob and Sarah's self-described plot to steal our identities, they too moved to Georgia. Mike and Sarah moved to Colorado for a year. The only constant through the great dispersion was Trassie.

Meanwhile, in Loudoun County, dark forces were rumbling. Weakness in the Fairfax-Arlington social scence provided the opportunity for Loudoun to sieze control of both the Halloween and New Year's parties. Partygoers from Fairfax and Arlington were forced to make a long and dangerous journey up the dreaded "Greenway." A rapid rise in the real estate market led to the Golden Circle, a ring of towns in Loudoun county so desirable that a decline in real estate prices became impossible. Coupled with a seemingly endless supply of craft beers and '80s movies, the dominance of Loudoun seemed complete.

When Mike and Sarah returned from their one year absence, they found their central position in the area social scene had been ursurped. It was then that they formed the Fairfax-Arlington Alliance with Trassie to serve as a counter-balance to Loudoun hegemony. They even went so far as to establish a rival New Year's party (leading to the great New Year's schism of 2007). When Amanda and I returned to Fairfax in 2008 following a four year absence, we found the situation desperate, but not hopeless.

Things were looking up. Rob and Sarah hoped to move back to the area within a year, and even Dave had been sighted once or twice. That's when the bottom fell out. Sarah decided that she needed to be closer to her step-mother and chose to bypass Washington (taking Rob with her) for points farther north. Then the event that shocked us all occurred. The one constant that we had all relied on finally failed us. Trassie announced that it was breaking up and moving to a far away and mysterious place called Kansas City. Why, you ask.

From what we know, Cassie was introduced to a person named Shannon. By all accounts (and by all, I mean Traci's), Shannon is a man of incomprehensible stupidity. It is rumored that he wears a helmet to prevent self-inflicted injury. But his ownership of two dogs proved irresistible to Cassie and signaled the death knell of Trassie. Trassie decided to split into two separate entities, Traci and Cassie, and live on opposite sides of Kansas City.

The imminent departure of Trassie has led to the dissolution of the Fairfax-Arlington Alliance. We are now but four. The dominance of Loudoun is complete. Amanda and I now feel that we have no choice but to consolidate our position with Mike and Sarah. To that end, we will be moving to Oakton in the near future, and we will begin construction on what we are calling the "Ark." There we may be safe for some time. Near permanent traffic congestion makes the approach to Oakton difficult even under the best of circumstances. We may even be able to hold out long enough for Rob and Sarah to return!

But perhaps I am being too optimistic. Rob and Sarah are moving to Syracuse, a veritable paradise second only to Rochester. They are never coming back. As darkness settles in around me, I cannot help but wonder, who is this man, this Stupid Shannon.

Apalling Behavior

2009-02-22T19:47:00.002-05:00

Some very appalling behavior has recently come to my attention, and it has to stop...immediately. It seems that quite a few of my readers think it's funny to call Meghann's new baby Viper. Well, it's not funny. It's disrespectful. Do you want her child to grow up to be juvenile delinquent or something? I'm not sure who came up with this (though I'm pretty sure it was Cassie), but you should apologize. And just to head things off, you should NOT call her baby any of the following names: T-Bone, Popcorn, T-Pain, Lunchmeat, Dunclet, Chocolate Thunder, "Izzy's future husband," Aidan, Boxcar Dru, Small Fry, Dr. Dru, "He doesn't really look like you Duncan," or Craig.

Nostalgia

2009-01-15T19:39:00.000-05:00

You know what I could really go for about now? A nuclear sub from Little John's Deli.

Work is Fun!

2008-12-07T10:36:00.001-05:00

Ever work 90+ hours in a week before? You guys should try it. It's fun!

My Little Pony

2006-12-03T20:00:00.000-05:00

I am outraged and upset! Everyone needs to stop making fun of Mike D and Bruce!!! Just because they like My Little Pony is no reason to mock them. It is perfectly normal for two heterosexual males in their late 20s to play together with My Little Pony. You know we all do things that others might make fun of, and we should consider that before we belittle others. Take me for example. Sometimes I like to watch sports and have a few beers. Some people might look down on that. Well, they are just going to have to learn that everyone is different, and that's what makes us special. So what if Mike D and Bruce like to play with My Little Pony for 36 straight hours and then drink cough syrup until they pass out. That's just who they are, and we should accept that. So you go Mike D and Bruce, and you save the My Little Ponies from the evil Queen Wartyface!

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

2006-12-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I admit that I have been a little light on updates to my blog recently, but I was working feverishly all last week to get ready for my annual Christmas party. As most of you know it was last night, and those of you who didn't make it really missed out. It was star studded event, and many local Atlanta celebrities attended including Usher, TI, T-Boz (from TLC), Elton John, Outkast, Collective Soul, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, and former President Jimmy Carter. There was an door charge, but it was all for a good cause. All of the proceeds (minus party expenses, of course) are going to the Human Fund. I think we all had a lot of fun. We played Charades and Usher won, of course. Here is a picture of me and my pal Usher.

We had a secret Santa gift exchange as well. I had Elton John. For the longest time I could not think of what to get him, but I finally settled on a new earring. Here is a picture of me and Elton John.

While overall the party was a big success, there was a little tension throughout the evening. As some of you may have heard, Whitney and Bobby separated recently. Unfortunately, the invitations for this event were sent out well before the separation occurred. Since they are both such good friends, they decided to attend anyway. Even though they spent most of the evening staying on opposite sides of the house, they eventually set aside their differences and embraced the Christmas spirit as they joined us all in trimming the Christmas tree.

To wrap up the evening, we sang some Christmas carols. Since we had such a magnificent assembly of musical talent, we spontaneously decided to record our caroling using the recording studio I have in my house. We will be releasing the CD shortly, and all of proceeds will be going to charity to help out underpaid NBA players who are just trying to feed their families.

The Care Bear Stare

2007-01-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

Does everyone remember the Care Bears?
In case you don't remember, Wikipedia has a very extensive and informative entry on them. Well, they had a very effective tactic for combating villains called the Care Bear Stare. As described by Wikipedia, "The Care Bears' ultimate "weapon" is the "Care Bear Stare", in which the collected Bears stand together and radiate light from their respective tummy symbols, combining to form a ray of love and good cheer which could bring care and joy into the target's heart." That sounds pretty flaky to me, but having seen the Care Bear movies, I cannot deny the efficacy of the tactic. So I thought, why can't I do my own "Stare?" First, I painted a large white circle on my belly, but at first I was at a loss as to what symbol to choose for myself. Then I thought to myself, if symbols of cheer and joy triggered feelings of love and caring in vicitims of the stare, then logically, wouldn't negative symbols trigger fear, hate, and intimidation. So, with that in mind, I painted a picture of Mike D on the white circle.

To test my theory, I decided to go downtown and walk around bad neighborhoods until I was accosted. It took a while, but finally it happened. As I walked down a dark alley, I heard a voice behind me say, "Give me your wallet." I glanced over my shoulder and saw two thuggish looking men holding knives. This was the moment of truth. I turned around and raised my shirt, exposing the my white painted stomach with the picture of Mike D on it. I looked directly at my assailants and said, "Care Bear Stare!" and stared at them as hard as I could. Even though no light radiated from my belly, which I found mildly disappointing, it still seemed to work since they got this really creeped out look on their faces and started to back away slowly. Success!!

I can't wait to try this out in other situations. The next time I go out to a strip club with Usher I am going to paint a $20 bill on my stomach, and then maybe I can get a lap dance for free!

Aloha!

2007-02-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

What a great vacation! Amanda and I recently got back from a trip to Hawaii, and it was awesome!

While we participated in a lot of cool activities, probably the most fun was learning to surf. Amanda, of course, is already an excellent surfer, and she decided to teach me how. Here is a picture of my first surfing lesson.

Amanda has been surfing for a long time, but she has been experiencing confidence problems ever since she was injured a few years back. She hit her head on some coral, and it wasn't pretty. Fortunately, her friends have been trying to help her overcome her fears.

While we were there, Amanda participated in a big wave surfing competition, and look at the wave she caught.
While she didn't win the competition, she did a get sponsorship contract with Billabong.

Pretty cool, huh? I can't wait to go back again. I'm sure we'll have even more great adventures. Of course, given how much fun we had on our Hawaiian vacation, I'm sure that others will copy us and schedule vacations to Hawaii also.

We're Number 4!!!

2007-03-11T21:08:00.000-04:00

I hope you all don't mind if I take a brief respite from my usual format of augmented reality. In turns out that today, reality requires no augmentation. Virginia is a #4 seed in the NCAA tournament! I must admit that after our EXTREMELY disappointing loss to NC State in the second round of the ACC tournament I was very concerned that we would be knocked down to a 6 or 7 seed. Perhaps the situation was somewhat mitigated by the fact that NC State beat Duke to reach us, beat VT after us, and then gave UNC a run for its money in the final. We have been given a golden opportunity here, and I hope we take advantage of it. There is some danger. Eventhough we play a 13 seed, Albany, in the opening round, Virginia has been known to occasionally fall apart in the face of a vastly inferior opponent (case in point, Appalachian State). And if Reynolds continues his shooting slump we could be in serious trouble. But maybe, if we free ourselves of the ACC refs and their superfluous foul calls, we might be able to do some damage in this tournament. I will be happy if we reach the sweet 16...of course, I will be happier if we get further, but let's not get greedy. With that said, on to the trash talking.

HA, Albany! You think you're so cool. Perhaps you don't realize that you are facing the finest men's basketball team that the University of Virginia has ever fielded this season (well excluding the Wesley foundation intramural team). And your mascot, the Great Danes, please...wait a minute. That's a pretty good mascot. Great Danes are pretty big dogs. It might hurt a lot if one bit you, and last I time I checked our Cavalier doesn't even carry a real sword. Oh shit! We're screwed! That dog is going to bite us in the ass, and we won't be able to make any free throws after the inevitable flagrant foul call.

I'm not very good at this...maybe I should just leave the trash talking up to Mike D.

Taking a Bite Out of Crime

2007-03-27T20:33:00.000-04:00

Sure, anyone who has met my dog Rummy knows that he is multi-talented. You are probably already aware of his ability to dig holes and his penchant for finding creative places to urinate. But were you aware that he can solve crimes?! Thanks to Rummy's vigilance and hard work, our community is now a safer place. To illustrate my point, here is a conversation I had with him just a few short weeks ago.

Rummy: "Bark! Bark!"
Me: "What is it boy?"
Rummy: "Bark! Bark!"
Me: "Trouble? What kind of trouble?"
Rummy: "Bark! Bark!"
Me: "You saw REDACTED masturbating? Oh no!"
Rummy: "Whimper. Whimper."
Me: "You're right, Rummy. That is a crime against God...and a felony in the state of Georgia."
Rummy: "Bark! Bark"
Me: "Yes, the best place for him is jail. That way he'll be safe from self-abuse, sodomy, and other forms of extramarital sexual deviation. Good work, I'll call the police right away!"

If fact, REDACTED's indiscretion turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg. Rummy went on to uncover a whole ring of serial "self-abusers." The community was so grateful that they held a parade in his honor and the governor even gave him a medal.

Ha! Take that dog who rescues children that fall down wells! You didn't even get a parade!

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2007-04-18T21:20:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I was having trouble sleeping, so I was up late flipping channels on the TV when I happened to catch a movie from my childhood, The Last Starfighter. It had been many years since I saw this film, but let me say it was outstanding.

As with most stories derived from the modern western mythos, The Last Starfighter is allegory for the story of Jesus Christ. In the film, the Christ figure is Alex Rogan a young man with humble beginnings. Alex grew up in a trailer park, the modern equivalent to a manger, and his mother is single, clearly implying an immaculate conception. As with Jesus, when Alex comes of age he embarks on a journey that results is the salvation of all mankind. Of course, instead of dying on the cross in a symbolic sacrifice to absolve humanity of its sin, the Christ figure in the Last Starfighter saves humanity in a very literal sense by taking the controls of a starfighter and gunning down waves of marauding space aliens. Other than that it is pretty much the same.

Some other interesting features of the film: Centauri represents John the Baptist who initiates Alex into the ministry of God (i.e. the Starfighters). And Grig, Alex's scaly, green navigator and faithful companion is, of course, St. Peter. Interestingly, biblical scholars have discovered that some of the gnostic gospels describe Peter as being scaly and green...A coincidence?

Unfortunately, this otherwise delightful film was marred by the anti-semitic overtones that permeate most works of the conservative Christian community. The Kodan Armada, the evil horde of space aliens bent on destroying the Star League and killing Alex, clearly represents the Jews. By logical extension, Xur represents Pontius Pilate. Despite the fact that most modern biblical scholars believe some of the most vitriolic and anti-semitic passages in the bible were late additions to the text, these views continue to taint and blemish works with otherwise positive and uplifting messages such as the The Passion of the Christ and The Last Starfighter.

Still not convinced that the film is a Christian allegory? I will provide irrefutable proof. First examine the name Alex. If we count the number of letters in the word "Alex," we find that there are four. There are also exactly four gospels in the new testament. Even more telling, the name Grig. If we remove the letters 'G', 'r', 'i', and 'g' and replace them with 'P', 'e', 't', 'e', and 'r' we get "Peter," the name of Christ's apostle. So you see, it is pretty obvious.

There is one thing I can't figure out, though. What role does the Zando-Zan play? So please, watch The Last Starfigher so we can get to the bottom of this.

The Big Igloo in the Sky

2007-05-07T19:57:00.000-04:00

It is my regrettable duty to inform you all that our Guinea pig, GP, has passed away. Sure she had her flaws. She was subject to carrot fueled rages in which she would toss her bowl across her cage, and I'm pretty sure she was plotting to kill me. But I prefer to remember the good times. Like when she would imitate the sound the phone made when it rang, or when she would wear her paper tube around like a suit of armor, or the time she peed on the vet, or the time she hid under our bed and we had to force her out with a stick.

What else can I say about GP. She lived in a purple plastic igloo, and she lived her life with a sense of purpose. She knew that her one job on Earth was to convert food pellets into copious amounts of hair. And now with her purpose in life fulfilled, she has left us for the big igloo in the sky. As Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." GP was certainly meek, so I guess she will get a pretty big chunk of the Earth when the time comes.

In Memoriam

Guniea Pig
2003-2007

(Please hum Amazing Grace to yourself)

Greetings From Monterey!

2007-05-15T21:25:00.000-04:00

Hi! I'm in Monterey, California. Today was an especially exciting day because I am the first person ever to travel through time! How did I do it? Well, I'm not really sure, but here is what happened. I boarded a flight in Atlanta at 8:30 AM. The duration of the flight was 5 hours. This would imply that my arrival time would be 1:30 PM, but when I arrived at the airport in San Jose, it was only 10:30 AM! Amazing! I can only assume that our plane traveled through some sort of wormhole in space-time. There is additional evidence that this may have, in fact, occurred. First, the ocean is on the west side rather than the east side suggesting that we could have entered some parallel dimension where everything is opposite. Second, it's 50 degrees outside here, and it was 80 when I left Atlanta. I can only assume I have traveled all the way back to January. Finally, the governor here is some sort of cybernetic human that is nearly indestructible. So it is clear that I have traveled through a wormhole. I can only hope that for my return flight we travel the exact same route just in reverse and hope that I can somehow recover the three hours that I lost.

Crisis!

2007-05-22T09:41:00.000-04:00

Crisis! Beach week is a few short days away, yet there is a serious obstacle to fully enjoying the beach. At last check, the water temperature is only 61 degrees. This is far too cold! And unacceptable. The water should be at least 70 degrees, and to remedy this situation I have devised an ingenious plan. I am going to take my water heater the beach to start warming up the water. I have included a detailed schematic of my plan below.

Unfortunately, I do not think that my water heater alone will be enough. I think I will need at least three. So I am looking for two volunteers who are willing to bring their water heaters to the beach. Please let me know.

At the Special Olympics, everyone is a winner!

2007-05-23T14:35:00.000-04:00

This Week...Puppies!

2007-06-10T16:45:00.000-04:00

And the Award Goes to...

2007-06-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

There has been some bitching as of late regarding the blog rating system that I use to inform my readers of the status of other blogs. As with any rating system there will be winners and losers, but some seem to feel that I only focus on the negative in order to feed my own ego. Perhaps that is so, but perhaps, and more likely, the quality of the blogs I have been tracking simply does not merit positive comment.

All that has changed recently with the addition of a new blog to my list. Amanda McD's blog is a breath of fresh air in the otherwise stale atmosphere of the blogosphere. Through a single entry she has brought originality and good old fashioned ChemE sense back to blogging. In recognition of this achievement I name her blog the very first recipient of the Exploding Distillation Column Award for outstanding achievement in the field of chemical engineering themed blogging, or "Disty" as it is known colloquially. Congratulations Amanda on your achievement. As for the rest of you, this will give you something to shoot for. Don't screw it up.

Kicking It Preschool...

2007-06-17T23:23:00.000-04:00

So I haven't seen Usher much in recent months, what with his busy touring schedule and all. But he had a break in his tour, and we decided to get together and hang out. But what to do? We had pretty much done everything there is to do in Atlanta: The World of Coke, the CNN Center, the Georgia Aquarium, and really, how many times can you see Margaret Mitchell's house? I think eight is enough. Usher really likes art, so he suggested that we take an art class together, and we signed up for a finger painting class at the local community center. I did a really cool painting of a duck floating in a pond, but Usher went and outdid me once again. He painted a bug flying over a tree. Of course, he had to go and show it to everyone...

Oh look at me!! I'm accumulating equity!!!

2007-06-24T14:51:00.000-04:00

I have noticed a disconcerting trend lately. It's seems like many people I know are either in the market for or have recently purchased their own home. And I have noticed that conversation regarding said acquisition of property has taken on decidedly elitist overtones. I guess that since you all are a part of the landed gentry now, you think that you're better than me! Oh look at me!! I'm accumulating equity! My mortgage payments will end at some point, but your rental payments will continue in perpetuity! I love mowing my own lawn and spending all of my disposable income on upkeep!

Really, do you have to rub it in my face? You know maybe I want to be house-poor too but just can't afford it right now. And maybe I shouldn't have invested $50,000 in rare LPGA trading cards...but the guy at the hobby shop told me that LPGA trading cards are the fasting growing segment of the sports collectibles market! I couldn't lose! So quit thinking your better than me because when I unload this Annika Sorenstam rookie card at a hefty profit, I'm going get a way better house than you. And who's going to be laughing then?

Scandal!

2007-07-10T23:31:00.000-04:00

I'm sure by now that you have heard that D.C. madam's client list has been released. Since the list is just phone numbers it will take some time to associate the phone numbers with names, but already it has come to light that Louisiana Senator David Vitter was a client of the D.C. madam. Since it is bound to come out now, I must admit that my name is on that list. Unfortunately, one night Senator Vitter and I got a little out of control and made some bad decisions. I had made a major contribution to his campaign and in return he inserted tax break for my novelty offensive T-shirt business into a high-priority defense bill. We were celebrating, and we got a little drunk. David suggested that we call an escort service that one of his fellow Senators told him about. So we got a nice hotel room in downtown DC, and hired two escorts. Now I must emphasize that no sexual acts took place. The DC madam is in the business of provided unique, LEGAL fantasies. In our case, David and I like to get attractive, provocatively dressed women take them to a hotel room and hold a tea party with our stuffed rabbits Mr. Whiskers and Ms. Floppy. This fantasy may sound strange to you, but I ask you not pass judgment. We made a mistake, and we have atoned for it. But we did nothing illegal. The last thing that we would think of when hiring an escort is sex. I mean come on!

Snubbed!!!

2007-07-11T22:32:00.001-04:00

The big event this past weekend was, of course, Live Earth. Live Earth was musical event that spanned the entire globe with venues on every continent. It featured major bands such the Dave Mathews Band and Bon Jovi. Its purpose was to raise awareness of the impending crisis of global climate change. That's all well and good, but I am pissed because I got snubbed! I personally contacted Al Gore to offer to have my bluegrass band, the Angry Tubers, perform at Live Earth. But his assistant said that Mr. Gore was very busy, and couldn't talk to me. Furthermore, participation was by invitation only!

Well, no one loves the Earth more than me and my band. Anyone who knows me, knows I am way into preserving traditional Appalachian culture. And what is more environmentally friendly than that?! So you missed out, Mr Gore!

The Angry Tubers: From left: Chuck, Jed, me, and Blake

HA HA!

2007-07-18T19:57:00.000-04:00

Robbed!

2007-08-07T21:24:00.000-04:00

I have been robbed...metaphorically, of course. I think I deserve an award! Rob got an award, and I gave Amanda McD an award. I don't recall either one of them curing cancer. The other day I was thinking about how awesome I am and wondering why no one else has seemed to notice. Well, no one except my dog. He seems to think I'm pretty awesome, but he's a dog so he can't give out awards. What the hell does someone have to do to get some recognition? Yeah, yeah, I know you actually have to do something that benefits others. But I don't want to do something for others. That requires too much effort, and I don't get anything out of it. What I need to do is create my own award that rewards me for doing nothing but act like it is really important. You know, like the Oscars.

Thus, I name myself the first annual recipient of the Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Ice Cream Consumption. This is an extremely prestigious award, and the competition was tight. There are literally billions of ice cream consumers in the world, and many display a impressive degree of excellence in ice cream consumption. After careful consideration and an agonizingly difficult decision process, I settled on myself. So, congratulations me! Great job!